#gratitudeNow: Cloudy with a chance of clear skies

So, a while back I wrote a post about a troublesome former friend of mine, Storm.

Not too long after I wrote the post, I bumped into Storm at a social event.

I gave them the most awkward of hugs, what I call a “mailbox hug”. That’s the sort of hug you give someone you are deeply uncomfortable with.

At the time, I didn’t bring up my feelings. It just was not appropriate.

But a few weeks later, their spouse, whom I’ll call Cloudy, reached out to me over the internet, and we had a conversation.

Cloudy asked me if I had a problem with Storm. And I said that yes, indeed I did. I said that while it was no secret that we had different politics, that wasn’t it. I explained that I have no place in my life for people who glory in cruelty, who enjoy being unkind to others and watching them suffer.

Cloudy said they understood. That it didn’t make them happy either. We ended our chat, and that was that.

Until a few months later, when I saw Cloudy expressing and condoning attitudes that agreed with Storm, and enabled them, really. I realized that Cloudy’s dislike for Storm’s attitudes was sort of hand waving, and enabling. And I made the choice to quietly not follow them on social media any more, or have them in my life.

Then… I saw them. We attended a multi-day event together. I nodded politely to both of them at various points. Then at one point, I actually ran into Cloudy, and we had a very awkward conversation.

At first, we spoke about trivial things. Life events, small talk, minutiae. At one point though, Cloudy asked me earnestly, “Have I offended you in some way?”

I shook my head, and offered to sit down for a few minutes and speak with them about things. I explained that in the past, since I’m a human being like anyone else, I had made the choice to give a pass to people who did some Very Bad Things™, because I liked their partner, and wanted to see them.

But I wasn’t comfortable with that anymore.

I explained that Storm’s attitudes and actions aren’t okay. Not even a little bit. And that while I understood that some terrible things had happened to them, that was not a pass to act so cruel, to enjoy others suffering.

Cloudy said that “I am not my spouse” and I agreed. But I said, there was simply no way for me to have Cloudy in my life without it being a tacit approval for Storm. I said that I don’t chase people, and that I don’t see that I have any right to ask anyone to change in any way. Not Storm, and not Cloudy for being with Storm.

I said that I didn’t mean to cause Cloudy any harm, that I didn’t want them to be sad, that the whole thing was unfortunate, but that things are just the way they are.

Cloudy cried. And said that they would stop bothering me then. And walked away from me.

I can’t say I’m happy about that. I understand that it’s a terrible thing to lose a friendship.

But I do have peace. I’m firm in my convictions. I’m grateful that I was able to be clear, and make as compassionate a break of it as I could.

#gratitudeNow: Silence

It’s really easy to get swept up in being busy. I’m in the middle of a very big weekend. I’ve got plans tonight for dinner as well as something social. Tomorrow I have coding to do, a virtual online lunch, and some dreaded chores.

It’s a lot. Also I’m dictating this blog post I am sitting in the parking lot of my gym, in my car before I go in to go swimming.

I decided to just take a moment to be in the moment. I turned off the audiobook I’ve been listening to. I turned off my car too.

And I sat, closed my eyes and listened to the silence. Except of course there isn’t any really. There is the sound of cars passing by on the road behind me. There’s also the sound of insects chirping and warbling in the forest behind the parking lot.

It’s a kind of meditation. I go looking for silence and don’t find any. Whenever I do this it always helps me to center myself. It helps me to connect with the truth which is that there is no place but here no time but now.

Recently I was telling a friend about my mindful practice. I talked about how it’s not something that you get better at, but rather something that you come back to over and over.

Every single time I do, i’m grateful for it.

#gratitudeNow: Thanks for Nothing

So stick with me here, because this one is a bit inscrutable. It’s Father’s Day as I write this. And what I feel about that is… nothing.

The symbol for nihilism.

Let me explain what I mean here. I guess the first place to start is my relationship with my own father. It was complex.

He was alternately a mythic hero, and a despicable villain in my life. He was largely absentee, often emotionally unavailable or abusive.

My dad was a sociopath and a narcissist. He was a very wealthy and successful businessman for much of my life. He was serially unfaithful to my mother, gaslit and emotionally blackmailed my entire family too. He embezzled an incredibly large amount of money from my grandparents family business, and faked having leukemia.

I know, horrible. Yet at one point I admired the man I thought he was.

All of this is Very Old News™️. He’s been dead at least a decade.

I saw a Facebook post from a friend earlier about his realization of what day it was, and how he was going to absent himself from social media because it hurt too much.

I feel that. Or rather, I did. There was a time in my life when I was so hurt, raw, and angry from the feelings of betrayal I had about my dad. I used to weep bitterly at this certain coffee commercial during Christmas.

But I am long past it. I think about the Kubler-Ross stages of grief, and I went through all of them.

Plus, some astounding good has come into my life because of the villainy of my dad.

Because of his machinations I am not encumbered by the yoke of guilt, secrecy, and shame many kinky people feel. I evaluate every emotional relationship I have on its own merit.

That in turn has helped me to help so many others to learn to love themselves, both inside the kink community, and elsewhere.

Which brings me back to today, to Now. Those old wounds have long since scabbed over and healed. They’re still not happy things for me, but in the context of my life, they have a place I’ve become comfortable with.

I’ve made them my own. I’m going to show this post to my friend and give him my heartfelt wish that he can work his way to a similar sort of peace.

#gratitudeNow: B Obedient

So this morning I asked Mama how I ranked, letter grade wise, in being obedient to her.

She gave me a solid B.

Then she told me why. She said that most of the time, I am a really good boy, very obedient. But that sometimes, I delay in obeying, or try to offer a better suggestion in a manner that can often be obstructive, and downright irritating.

What’s more, she said that sometimes, when that happens, she wants nothing more than to take down my pants and underwear and spank my bare bottom.

This made me feel quite a heady mix of emotions, as you might imagine.

I felt a degree of genuine shame over being disobedient, resolve to do better, and I must admit, some degree of arousal about the entire situation.

But more than anything else, I felt heaping boatloads of gratitude.

Among the things Mama told me are that she values and desires my obedience and respect for her authority. And that she expects me to largely be subject to it most of the time. Let’s say, 95% of the time.

Every so often, she needs us to be equals, or even for me to take the lead. Which I’m happy to do, because I’m not just her baby boy, I’m also her husband.

But, unless she specifically tells me otherwise, she’s in charge. Period, end of story, done.

Let me tell you, dear reader, how very meaningful that is to me. It fulfills me in a deep abiding way, that is as much about being emotionally supported and validated as it is about sexy interactions. Really, truly, way more of the former than the latter.

Growing up, I was a typical type-a success driven gifted kid. No matter how well I did in school, I could always do better. No matter how excellent my social graces were, or knowledge of the arts, there was always room to improve.

It was exhausting. And it’s an inner narrative I still carry with me to this day.

Yay.

I asked Mama if she would train me to be more obedient and she gave me an absolutely enthusiastic yes.

I just don’t have words enough to describe the depth of my love for her.

#gratitudeNow: Perspective Changes

So here’s the thing.

I’m a grown-up.

But I forget that all the time. I don’t mean that in an age play kind of way.

I’m 50 years old, and I’ve been working for many years. I’ve been married twice. The second time it took, we’ve been together almost 16 years.

And in my day job I’m a programmer and a pretty good one. Plus over the years I’ve done some stuff. I created the age play pride symbol, wrote two novels, and with my partner Spacey created a pretty good podcast.

But a lot of the time I forget all that stuff.

That’s not a bad thing. For one thing, none of that stuff makes me deserve special treatment. I’m just a guy doing what matters to him. I’m no better or worse than anybody else.

For another, it keeps me fresh. While all those things inform who I am right now, none of it closes me off from change. I know the truth, that life is filled with possibility.

But still, every once in a while, all the stuff over my shoulder sort of jumps into my field of view. That happened this morning, during my usual meditation.

And I’m grateful for it. I like what I’ve done, and who I have been. It makes me feel mature.

I think that just like anybody else I often feel like a kid in an adult body. Like I’m making it up as I go along, waiting for that time when I’ll know I’m making good choices, that I’ve got my shit together.

But I don’t have to wait for that.

I am grateful for my maturity.