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This is my boycat, Yang.  I've had him and his sister, Yin almost 13 years now.  They've been with me their whole lives.

There's this routine they do with me, every single morning.  Part of that routine has to do with when I get out of the shower, and I'm getting dressed.  I lay my clothes out on the bed, sit down and begin to dress.  

Yin sits nearby and begins to meow at me, urgently, so I don't forget that this time is also, crucially, mere moments before the high pinnacle of the day, the moment at which I give them wet cat food for breakfast.

Yang plays a part in this ritual too.  He sits next to me, and butts his head against me, rubbing it into my arm, my back, my side, my leg, any part of me he can get at, in an earnest effort to let me know, just in case I didn't know, how very much he loves me, how great he thinks I am, how he wishes me joy and sucess and good fortune all day, and... to not forget to give him and his sister their breakfast.

I turned to him this morning, and petted him, and reassured him, "Oh buddy," I said, "I know, I already know."

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Yang looked at me earnestly and kept on head butting me.

This is when I was struck with a powerful epiphany.  There is a giant venn overlap between my cats, and my own submissive tendencies.

My cats are beautiful, graceful, powerful creatures.  They can run fast, leap high, (granted, not as fast nor as high as they used to), are alert, clever, wholly magnificent creatures. At the same time, they are neurotic, insecure, peculiar, and very funny.  No matter how many times (thousands) we have repeated this morning ritual, they are never blasé about it.  Each morning they're this heady mixture of anxious, nervous, fearful and excited for their breakfast.  They go from graceful to goofball.

I am just like this about the things that Missy and Alissa do with and to me.  

Every time Missy is going to spank me, or I think I might need a spanking, I become this hesitant, excited version of myself.  

Every time I want Alissa to change my diaper, I rub against her like one of my cats, get all clingy and up in her business.

At the prospect of physical intimacy it's like this switch flips in my head, and all the other things I am recede, fade.  My lifelong obsession with writing? Off.  My daily practice of mindful contemplation?  Nowhere.  

I broadcast to my partners, loudly, about these pending and very necessary things.  The familiar dance we are potentially about to do again becomes EVERYTHING.  In that moment, what I am with them, to them, it's all that I am.

Powerful.

It gives me maybe just a little more patience with the cats, and with myself.

 

Posted
AuthorMako Allen
CategoriesgratitudeNow

Last night Missy, MB, and I went to The Crucible, for the P part of the LF&P.

It's the first time I've been there since they moved to their new location.  I saw tons of people I adore, who I haven't seen in person in ages.

It was fantastic.  I have all these friends I've known through the club and Camp Crucible for a long time now.  People welcomed me with open arms, literally.  I hugged.  I got hugged.  My butt got grabbed a bunch.  I grabbed people's butts too.

I was positively dipped in my own history as an adult, in that population.  It felt amazing.

And I got to sit, cuddle and talk with my friends Dixie, and Bryn.

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I'm gonna take a minute to absolutely gush about her.  Because she's absolutely gushworthy.  (Sure, it's a word.)

Bryn, she's not just MY friend, but she's also mako-kun's friend.  He just loves her to pieces.  She's a grownup he knows and trusts and really likes.  And she not only knows this, but takes joy in it.

She really sees him, distinct and separate from me.  And likes both of us. 

This means the world to me.  She's got this funny ability - she can call mako-kun out, and he'll just pop right out, happy to see her, and spend time with her, even if it's in the midst of a busy place, filled with people he doesn't know.

mako-kun, unlike me, is kinda shy.  He's hesitant and fearful of being seen by people who don't get him.  So, in busy places, and amongst strangers, he mostly hides in the back of our head.

But that's not how it is with Bryn.  She makes him feel so safe, and welcomed.  We're laying on the couch, talking, Bryn, me, and Dixie, and she asks if mako-kun's around - and WHOOSH, out he popped.  

From the back, I watched them laughing, cuddling, and being silly together.  (Bryn is an EXCEPTIONALLY silly person.  If silly is a martial art, she's got a black belt in it.)  And I was able to just hang out in the back of my head, and relax.

Because he was safe with Bryn.

She's really wonderful.

 

 

 

Posted
AuthorMako Allen
CategoriesgratitudeNow

There's this scene in the movie Secretary that I absolutely love.  Lee Holloway, is the secretary and submissive to E. Edward Grey, a meticulous, somewhat neurotic lawyer who yearns to sadistically spank and otherwise control her.

In the particular scene, things are heating up between Lee and Edward, and he's regularly spanking her, making her crawl on all fours, and over the phone even dictating exactly how much and what she can eat.

I just adore this movie, and that scene in particular.  When she eats the odd, sparse dinner, the rest of her very vanilla family look on in bewilderment.  They just don't get it.  But Lee's face, at first on the phone, and then later as she's eating the peas, is caught up in a rapture of ecstasy.

Why?  Because she's living her authentic life.  This is who and what she wants to be.

The reason it's my gratitude, or a piece of it, is because I live this way, too, sort of.

My wife Missy, and my girlfriend Alissa are my Mommy and my Auntie respectively.  Recently, just after New Year's, we decided together that it was in my best interest to start tracking my food and exercise again, and they both expressed an interest in me sharing pictures of everything I eat with them, so they can keep an eye on me.

And that's exactly what we've been doing, me and my kink parents, for days now.

Here are some of the pictures in our group text.  You can see the salad and steak I had for dinner the night before, the fish sandwich and fries I had for lunch before that, the pretzel M&M's I had for a snack, and the simple little breakfast I had earlier in the day.

You can also see the thumbs-up emoticon that Mommy sent us both, showing that she approved of many of my choices.

At work today, I already noticed some positive effects to all this, too.  I ate moderate portion sizes, and had water more than graze on junk food in the kitchen.

In this group chat we have, the two of them have talked to one another about me, and what I'm doing, how I'm eating.  It feels a bit like having dinner around the family dining room table.  It feels a bit like the 4 peas scene, too.

What really sticks with me is how the three of us, even separated by distance, are living an authentic life, together.  That feels so damn good.

 

Posted
AuthorMako Allen
Categories365 Gratitude

You know that old saying about how a picture's worth a thousand words?  Yesterday a friend of mine showed me an amazing cartoon that proves that out.

This one.

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There's so much going on here, so many hard-to-convey ideas in play. 

First, when you're a trapezoid (or an age player, or a kink person, or anyone on the margins of social acceptance) it's so tempting to want squares, triangles, and circles (regular people) to approve of you.  And it's not entirely a misplaced idea either. After all, you're still a shape (a person).

But there be dragons there, so maybe you just work from within, do self-acceptance, that sort of thing.  It feels really good when you embrace your inherent trapezoidal nature, hang out with other trapezoids, buy the latest trapezoid accessories too

It's awesome to say, put trapezoid art up in your house, go to the trapezoid munch.
But that's also, not the whole story.

Take a closer look at the cartoon.  It's super telling that in that whole cartoon the trapezoid gets one line and two facial expressions.

The whole narrative comes from everyone else.  So the trapezoid runs away.

This thing speaks to fears I've held, ways I've been treated. worst-case-scenarios that I've held onto that have kept me from new experiences and joy.  

It's the reason why it feels so good to get diapers in the mail, and put them away in a drawer by the bedside, like they're no big deal and just a part of my life.  It's why I bend over backwards to teach people to love themselves.  It's why I'm adamant about being a polite member of society, but not requiring the tacit approval of its majority.

It's not that I think that the square, the circle, and the triangle here are inherently intolerant assholes (although they're certainly acting that way), it's that they and the trapezoid have bought into a paradigm where you're only worthy of love and belonging if the majority says so.

And that's utter nonsense.  

I'm really grateful for this comic because it shows the problem so very clearly.

We've got an out though, maybe even an adaptive strategy around it.  We can recognize that unity and difference aren't opposites, they're complements.  One exists to help define the other.  It's not that the trapezoid isn't a shape.  It clearly is.  The square, the circle, and the triangle have demonstrated that they're just not willing to see it, which forces the trapezoid to seek validation elsewhere.

Posted
AuthorMako Allen
Categories365 Gratitude

This surprisingly safe for work image is one of the dirtiest, most arousing things I have ever seen.  

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It's just so suggestive .  You can almost see up her skirt.  You can see she's got a riding crop, and wants to use it. But you can't see her eyes, and it's impossible to tell from the set of her mouth whether she wants to use it in a nice way or a not-so-nice way. 

Wow. Just wow. 

The image is from the Very NSFW femdom marriage tumblr at http://fdmarriage.tumblr.com.  

Posted
AuthorMako Allen
CategoriesJust because