So, a while back I wrote a post about a troublesome former friend of mine, Storm.
Not too long after I wrote the post, I bumped into Storm at a social event.
I gave them the most awkward of hugs, what I call a “mailbox hug”. That’s the sort of hug you give someone you are deeply uncomfortable with.
At the time, I didn’t bring up my feelings. It just was not appropriate.
But a few weeks later, their spouse, whom I’ll call Cloudy, reached out to me over the internet, and we had a conversation.
Cloudy asked me if I had a problem with Storm. And I said that yes, indeed I did. I said that while it was no secret that we had different politics, that wasn’t it. I explained that I have no place in my life for people who glory in cruelty, who enjoy being unkind to others and watching them suffer.
Cloudy said they understood. That it didn’t make them happy either. We ended our chat, and that was that.
Until a few months later, when I saw Cloudy expressing and condoning attitudes that agreed with Storm, and enabled them, really. I realized that Cloudy’s dislike for Storm’s attitudes was sort of hand waving, and enabling. And I made the choice to quietly not follow them on social media any more, or have them in my life.
Then… I saw them. We attended a multi-day event together. I nodded politely to both of them at various points. Then at one point, I actually ran into Cloudy, and we had a very awkward conversation.
At first, we spoke about trivial things. Life events, small talk, minutiae. At one point though, Cloudy asked me earnestly, “Have I offended you in some way?”
I shook my head, and offered to sit down for a few minutes and speak with them about things. I explained that in the past, since I’m a human being like anyone else, I had made the choice to give a pass to people who did some Very Bad Things™, because I liked their partner, and wanted to see them.
But I wasn’t comfortable with that anymore.
I explained that Storm’s attitudes and actions aren’t okay. Not even a little bit. And that while I understood that some terrible things had happened to them, that was not a pass to act so cruel, to enjoy others suffering.
Cloudy said that “I am not my spouse” and I agreed. But I said, there was simply no way for me to have Cloudy in my life without it being a tacit approval for Storm. I said that I don’t chase people, and that I don’t see that I have any right to ask anyone to change in any way. Not Storm, and not Cloudy for being with Storm.
I said that I didn’t mean to cause Cloudy any harm, that I didn’t want them to be sad, that the whole thing was unfortunate, but that things are just the way they are.
Cloudy cried. And said that they would stop bothering me then. And walked away from me.
I can’t say I’m happy about that. I understand that it’s a terrible thing to lose a friendship.
But I do have peace. I’m firm in my convictions. I’m grateful that I was able to be clear, and make as compassionate a break of it as I could.