#gratitudeNow: Cloudy with a chance of clear skies

So, a while back I wrote a post about a troublesome former friend of mine, Storm.

Not too long after I wrote the post, I bumped into Storm at a social event.

I gave them the most awkward of hugs, what I call a “mailbox hug”. That’s the sort of hug you give someone you are deeply uncomfortable with.

At the time, I didn’t bring up my feelings. It just was not appropriate.

But a few weeks later, their spouse, whom I’ll call Cloudy, reached out to me over the internet, and we had a conversation.

Cloudy asked me if I had a problem with Storm. And I said that yes, indeed I did. I said that while it was no secret that we had different politics, that wasn’t it. I explained that I have no place in my life for people who glory in cruelty, who enjoy being unkind to others and watching them suffer.

Cloudy said they understood. That it didn’t make them happy either. We ended our chat, and that was that.

Until a few months later, when I saw Cloudy expressing and condoning attitudes that agreed with Storm, and enabled them, really. I realized that Cloudy’s dislike for Storm’s attitudes was sort of hand waving, and enabling. And I made the choice to quietly not follow them on social media any more, or have them in my life.

Then… I saw them. We attended a multi-day event together. I nodded politely to both of them at various points. Then at one point, I actually ran into Cloudy, and we had a very awkward conversation.

At first, we spoke about trivial things. Life events, small talk, minutiae. At one point though, Cloudy asked me earnestly, “Have I offended you in some way?”

I shook my head, and offered to sit down for a few minutes and speak with them about things. I explained that in the past, since I’m a human being like anyone else, I had made the choice to give a pass to people who did some Very Bad Things™, because I liked their partner, and wanted to see them.

But I wasn’t comfortable with that anymore.

I explained that Storm’s attitudes and actions aren’t okay. Not even a little bit. And that while I understood that some terrible things had happened to them, that was not a pass to act so cruel, to enjoy others suffering.

Cloudy said that “I am not my spouse” and I agreed. But I said, there was simply no way for me to have Cloudy in my life without it being a tacit approval for Storm. I said that I don’t chase people, and that I don’t see that I have any right to ask anyone to change in any way. Not Storm, and not Cloudy for being with Storm.

I said that I didn’t mean to cause Cloudy any harm, that I didn’t want them to be sad, that the whole thing was unfortunate, but that things are just the way they are.

Cloudy cried. And said that they would stop bothering me then. And walked away from me.

I can’t say I’m happy about that. I understand that it’s a terrible thing to lose a friendship.

But I do have peace. I’m firm in my convictions. I’m grateful that I was able to be clear, and make as compassionate a break of it as I could.

#gratitudeNow:Yes is a Know-No

So, recently there's this particular someone I've found myself saying no to a lot.  

"No, you can't borrow my shark shaped hyper spanner."  

"No, we're not cleaning the EPS conduits."

"No, you cannot take an away team down to the planet's surface."

(I've also, consequently, been watching a lot of Star Trek: Enterprise, which I really enjoy, but that's a whole separate topic.)

Often when this particular ensign (go with me here, Star Trek metaphor) kept coming to me, I got the distinct impression that they saw me as the Captain of the ship, or maybe ship's counselor.  Some sort of senior officer, anyhow.

But I'm just a crewman, like anyone else.  Sure, I put together the shark dive on the holodeck, sure I'm willing to take a few minutes out of my duty shift to tell people an awesome zen story in between servicing warp coils, sure I led that infamous game of fizbin in the mess hall that went on for 72 hours straight.  Yes, yes, yes.

(Are you getting that I really like Star Trek here?  Because I really do.)

But I'm still just one guy on the ship.  Not THE guy.  And sometimes I need my sleep.  Or to catchup on my personal log.  (How the heck do star dates even work?)  I'm just a person.  

Still, saying no to Ensign Needhelp over and over was starting to feel really bad to me.  

Here's an infamous 15 minute long compilation of Security Chief Worf on Star Trek: The Next Generation getting told no, getting shut down, over and over in various ways.

When I first saw this thing, years ago, it made me howl with laughter.  Lately I find I can watch about 5 minutes of it before I have to tap out.  Go on, give it a try.  Or feel free to tell me no.

I've been realizing something important, working on it for a bit, about that No I keep giving the ensign.

The no for them isn't about them.  It's the complement to a yes for me.

A who-what now?

A complement.  A thing which of necessity is required for balance and wholeness.  Like the way a coin has a heads side and a tails side.  You can't have one without the other.  "Oh but head and tails are opposites, mako?", you might say.

Sort of.  But also complements.  When I say no to something, I'm saying yes to something else.

So, everybody knows the yin-yang symbol, the taijitu, or "supreme ultimate."  Big swirly circle, two sides, two dots, Yin and Yang.  The reason the dots are there, the reason the sides are swirls is that they contain one another, extend one another, and define one another.

Kinda like this:

A gorgeous taijitu, showing a sunny day, with a green flowering tree by an ocean, with a hot sun in the sky, next to a barren tree, by a windswept snow covered hill top, with a wan little winter sun in a cold sky.

This is much more what I'm going for.  During the whole year there's not one instant where you're not heading toward midsummer and away from midwinter, or just the opposite.  Every minute, of every day, you come closer and closer to that pivot point.  

Just in the same way, when you say no to things you don't have the energy, time, interest, or whatever-is-required-to-do-it for, you're also saying yes to other things.  Everyone is.  All the time.

It's beautiful.

Today I explained some part of this to that particular ensign, and made sure I was clear because I wanted to be understood.

It felt good.