So, I have this sort of dirty confession to make.  

I'm mean.

But the trick is, it's really only to myself.  I grew up with a lot of pressure to excel, had a very typical preppie/jewish/success-oriented sort of childhood.  I was a smart kid, and my mom and dad were both proud of that, but also rather unrelenting about it.  If I brought home a B, that was fine, but how about an A?  And if I brought home an A, how about an A+?  And if I brought home an A+, well, that's living up to my potential.  

That sort of thing.  My dad, who was a pretty bad guy, was also a very wealthy, self-made sort for many years.  There was this unspoken thing between him and me - that it was my job to improve on what he had done, to seek and go beyond his level.

He's long since left the planet, and as my partner Maya likes to say, I'm my own "grown-ass mandog" now.  But there's stuff written down in my BIOS or whatever, that remains.

I tend to push myself.  I always have a lot going on.  I'm ambitious.  And frequently, I am the very worst critic of my own efforts.  It's a weird mix, because at the same time I can have almost rocket-powered levels of self-esteem to the point of arrogance.  I know when I'm good at something, because I'm used to advocating for myself.  It's exhausting.

But I'm lucky.  I surround myself with people who love me, and who go out of their way to tell me I mean a lot to them, or that my efforts or character are worthwhile.  My wife Missy, my girlfriend Alissa, my girlfriend Maya, my brother Spacey, my sister Pene, all regularly shower me with love and affection and validation.

But this post, it's not about them.  (Except to tell them that I love them.)

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It's about a friend of mine, Dixie.

We've been friends for years.  She's an age player like me.  She's witty, silly, and smart.  We're book friends, and nerd friends, and just like one another enormously.

I think the world of her.  And recently, she wasn't feeling so hot, and asked folks to post why they liked her.  So I told her.

 "You're insightful and thinky in general and about fiction in particular. You have strong, passionate opinions, because you're a person of deeply held convictions. I love that. 

Also, you're really cute."

(This is true, she's adorable.)

She wrote this thing back to me, that just utterly took my breath away.

"You have one of the biggest hearts I've ever known, and you are constantly looking to better yourself and become even more self aware, which is amazing"

I'm honestly a little teary over it, in the best way.  Thank you, Dixie.

I can feel myself loosening that white-knuckle grip I keep around myself so often.  I feel a little more worthy of my own love today.

It sounds like a made up native american tribe name, but what Maymicmak actually was was the funny way the scoring system abbreviated Maya, Michael, and my names when we went bowling Saturday night.

It was Maya's idea, and a whole lot of fun, and like a fantastically wonderful thing for a poly triad to do.

It was funny - on our lane there were these two chairs side by side, right by the lane and the ball return.  So, two of us were always seated while the third person bowled.  

As each of us stood to bowl, the other two would cheer them on.  When any of us had a particularly good throw, the other two would cheer and clap, encouragingly.  After a bad one, we'd sit down to hugs, pats, and comforting words.  Sure, the purpose was ostensibly to win, but it really didn't feel like that.  It was more like each of us was striving for our personal best, and helped along by the other two.

It was super fun, and very loving.

Posted
AuthorMako Allen
Categories365 Gratitude
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Last night Maya, Michael & I were supposed to go to a concert. It got postponed because of some kind of issue with  the venue, so instead after dinner we caught a movie, Disney's Moana.

What a great movie.  It's the story of how Moana, the daughter of the chief of the island of Motunui, is chosen by the ocean to save the world, by confronting the trickster demigod Maui, and forcing him to return the stolen heart of Te Fiti to the mother island and goddess.

So, a funny thing happened to me as I watched the movie.  There's this thing about Maui that really spoke to me, so much so that I kinda teared up and began to cry a bit as I watched the film.  Maui has these magical tattoos which appear on his body as he earns them.  Running throughout them (literally running, jumping, crawling, sometimes back-talking him, and often being funny and winning over the audience) is a little tattoo version of Maui.  

He's not Maui, but he is.  He represents a part of him.  The character himself is complex.  He's kind of selfish, tricky, and has some issues with bluster and self-esteem.  But his tattoo seems to always speak the truth, and is earnest, almost innocent.  And they often disagree, which is heartwarming, cute, and really funny. 

Which is almost exactly the relationship that mako-kun and I have.  Mako-kun is the other me, the other persona/identity/part of me that shares the lovely apartment building that's my mind.  He's my brain-room-mate or something.  He's not exactly me, and not exactly not me, either.

Maya noticed I was kinda gobsmacked, and whispered to me to ask me what was up, and I told her how Maui reminded me of us.  And she squeezed my hand, and whispered to me how she totally saw it, totally got it. 

That made it even better. 

 

Posted
AuthorMako Allen
Categories365 Gratitude

For as long as I've known them Maya and Michael have both been super thoughtful. They go out of their way to do nice things for others, demonstrate their affection. 

They gave me an awesome thoughtful birthday present Thursday night.  

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Oh you want to know what was in it?  Cool shark socks and an even more cool t-shirt. 

Why is this shirt cool?

Several reasons.

1) It glows in the dark. 

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2) It features Stevonnie from Steven Universe

3) And quotes from my most very favorite episode ever, Mindful Education .

4) The second they saw it they knew it was perfect for me, and I would have to have it.  

They were right too. They're so thoughtful!

ps - if you haven't seen the episode, you really should check it out. It's awesome. 

Here:

 

 

 

Posted
AuthorMako Allen
Categories365 Gratitude