Help is always a good thing, but especially now
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So for a year now, I’ve been working on a secret project, a behavior chart app for people in discipline based relationships. It’s not a secret anymore.
It’s called WeMinder. And I released it today.
I’m very proud of it. WeMinder is the culmination of multiple decades of experience as a kinky person, and a year of very hard work.
The application consists of two big features.
There’s the chart, used by the top and the bottom to track the bottom’s good behaviors and misbehaviors. It’s also where the top records rewards and punishments.
Then there’s the mood thermometer, used by both partners to make sure that their feelings are known.
You can see more about that in a video over at the WeMinder blog.
I can’t wait for you to try it.
So I have a daily practice of meditation and contemplation. I thought I might share with you my contemplation for today. It’s about fidelity.
Let’s start with a definition and how I interpret it.
Fidelity: noun
1. strict observance of promises, duties, etc.: a servant's fidelity.
2. loyalty: fidelity to one's country.
3. conjugal faithfulness.
4. adherence to fact or detail.
5. accuracy; exactness: The speech was transcribed with great fidelity.
6. Audio, Video.the degree of accuracy with which sound or images are recorded or reproduced.
In my head I sort of munge together all six of these definitions .
To me, fidelity requires me to understand my own values, my own moral and ethical requirements in order to keep to them with conviction.
And that’s kind of a big deal.
Lately with Donald Trump in the White House, with the pandemic raging out-of-control, with institutionalized and systemic racism more virulent than ever, with police brutality running largely unchecked, fidelity is crucial.
As anyone who knows me well will tell you, I’m kind of a pain in the ass.
I constantly question everything. I’m not a fan of the status quo. I don’t do things because anybody else does them.
So I have this strongly held belief in non-duality. I believe that every living thing is part of the same thing. Harm done to you, is harm done to me as well. Harm done by me, same deal. I am the universe expressing itself in this place in this time in this body. So is everyone else.
That puts me squarely in the place of trying to reduce harm. I can’t eliminate it. That’s just not possible. But I can do my best to reduce my “harm footprint“ as much as I can.
How that manifests itself has to do with my own fidelity to those values. I tend to be kind and compassionate as a default. I favor inclusion over exclusion. I am 100% willing to be called on my own shit. I always recognize there’s room for improvement.
I’m not perfect. I also sadly embrace the truth that there isn’t any such thing as perfect in the human condition.
I can be lazy, self-centered, sometimes thoughtless. It’s okay though. Part of my mindful practice, part of that discipline is recognizing I’m going to fall down and that it’s up to me to pick myself back up again .
Part of my contemplation about fidelity has to do with that part of the definition about clarity and detail. It takes time, effort, and energy for me to understand my own values. It also takes time, effort and energy to absorb those of other people around me.
And let me be clear about what I mean by that.
I mean that I need exposure to a person, to what they say and do to get a sense of who they are and what their values are. I also mean that when someone demonstrates a quality that is in line with my values or which I admire I tend to move toward them and try to emulate them.
But there’s another definition too. I also mean that I need time to figure out when there is a disconnect between myself and that person. That last part it’s often really hard for me. I have abandonment issues and I don’t like goodbyes. As I have gotten older I am learning that goodbyes are OK, often necessary.
Which brings me back to the whole fidelity thing, and to the current state of affairs in our nation. I don’t wish ill upon anybody. I’m generally not an “us and them” type.
I remember when Osama bin Laden was killed and people were parading in the streets celebrating. I didn’t celebrate. He was an inhuman monster, and should have rotted in a jail cell for the rest of his life.
I don’t believe in the death penalty for anybody.
I recognize that this makes me quite separate from most people, and an oddball. There are circles in which it would make me a pariah.
I still stick to it though because of fidelity to my values.
Here’s the deal: there are people who are pro-Trump for all sorts of different reasons. I don’t care what any of those reasons are.
Well that’s inaccurate . I care greatly. I figure the people who support him are either ill-informed, fearful, biased, selfish, or have been duped. I have this shortlist of people who I keep in my life who are pro Trump. They’re on the list because they have great meaning to me as people and the pain of losing them in my life outweighs my discomfort at their choice.
It’s a very small number.
Generally, when someone identifies themselves to me as pro Trump, or their actions reveal that this is so, or they even give Trump supporters a pass saying that it’s just politics I turn away from them. I don’t wish them harm, I just remove them from my life.
Because that choice to enable the great harm that that man and those who support him do is contrary to my fidelity. It’s not that I’m a Democrat and I want my side to win. I don’t have a side. There are no sides, to me. Sides are for contests and sporting events.
In my opinion people often treat politics like some sort of intellectual exercise. I’m known to have a fondness for food metaphors. People often treat politics like picking a restaurant. Do you want sushi or to go out for steak?
And sometimes politics are like that. What should we spend the county budget on?
But certainly not this time and certainly not in this place. This is more like asking does everyone deserve to eat? Or who gets food and who dies?
Let me be as clear as I can here too.
This is my contemplation that I am sharing with you. I’m not trying to convince you of anything, not trying to persuade you, not threatening you with the consequence of being booted out of my life. I’m taking a process I do daily and sharing it where you can see it. That’s all.
Over the past almost 4 years I have slowly but surely turned away from many people. I’ve also taken the time, focus, energy, and even money I would have spent on those people and put them towards other things, other efforts, and other people whose values share fidelity with my own.
So you’ve been hearing me mention my secret side thing, Project Longbottom since oh… October or so.
Today, I’m far enough along that I’ve decided it shouldn’t be a secret any longer.
This is WeMinder. It’s a cloud-based tool for consenting adults in discipline based relationships. Like me.
It’s based around the idea that behavior is like temperature. You move between good and naughty, based on your behavior. Naughty behaviors move you into the red. Good ones move you towards the green. Rewards and punishments move the needle back towards the center.
I’ve been contemplating this tool for a long time. It addresses many issues kinky folks have nurturing their dynamic in a chaotic world filled with challenges.
Want to find out some more? Check out the demo video.
I was looking at a friend’s Facebook this morning, and stumbled across a cartoon on it that pushed some buttons of mine, in a mostly (not entirely) good way.
One of the things I have spent a lot of time considering in my meditation and contemplation has to do with chasing others.
That is, chasing people for anything. For example for love, sex, affection, attention, validation, time, or help. I try my level best to not do it, and when I do do it, I compassionately remind myself to stop. When I saw this cartoon some things about chasing and the buddhist concept of maitri finally clicked together for me.
Maitri is loving kindness towards all, including oneself.
And when you have it, when you do it, when you live it, you can embrace a powerful truth about the world. That truth is that when you put another’s love for you before your own love for you, you do yourself and them grave disservices.
In your own case, you deprive yourself of calm and peace that would otherwise always be available to you.
With others, you create a kind of non-consensual dependency upon them. People have all sorts of reasons why they don’t have it to give back when you love and need them.
Some of these reasons are frailties of the human condition. They’re stretched too thin, they’re depressed, they’re sick, all sorts of things.
Some are not. And aren’t very nice.
But neither of those things matter. There’s a favorite quote of mine:
“Love is knowing I am everything and everyone. Wisdom is knowing I am nothing and no one. Between these two poles my life moves.”
When you can love yourself first, and enjoy the love given you without needing it, you understand the truth.
You are not the main character in the story. There is no main character.
It’s not about you.