For ages and ages, I've said that my favorite episode of the Big Little Podcast is Number 9, Self-Esteem and Coming Out.

It's still true.  Do check it out.

I was on reddit this morning, responding to a thread on r/ABDL about how to come out to your therapist when I recommeneded episode 17, Ageplay and Finding a Therapist.  We recorded that thing waaaay back in 2011, seven years ago!


I'm solidly of the belief now that #17 is definitely my second favorite episode of all time, and that nine plus 17 equals a whole lot more than 26.

I remember it being good, but I hadn't listened to it in a while.  So I put it on.  Man, it sure is good.  First off, my friend Liz had super smart things to say about the physiology of the brain, and about telling a therapist about experiences of abuse.  My ex Kacie said wicked smart stuff about the reality of dating an age player and how it has nothing to do with actual kids, really smart, direct stuff.  

And then there's Andrea.  Andrea was so amazing on this episode.  She just was everywhere in the show.  Everything anyone had to say, she had support for, or great contrasting opinions.  She was raw, honest, open, and fantastic.

We're recording an episode of the show this week about grief & loss, during which Andrea will figure largely.  And it's been bittersweet and challenging, getting myself ready, writing up the list of things we're going to discuss.

Listening to episode 17 this morning gave me the warmest feeling about Andrea.  Listening to her wise words, lovely dirty innuendo, and caring talk just made me feel so good.  

There's this one moment, when I'm talking about my confused feelings around face slapping, due to childhood trauma, and I say something funny in the midst of describing it all.  And Andrea wanted to laugh, so much.  And I said it was okay to laugh, and she did.

Even though she's gone, she's still here with me.  

I got the best piece of fan mail today.

Here, I'll show you:

Hello, Mako!
I just wanted to reach out and say some thanks.
One year ago, I got divorced from the only other age player I've ever known, or even spoken to. My Mommy left a huge hole in my life, and for a long time, I didn't want to even think about my Little brain partition. What changed that for me was two things. A) The Big Little Podcast helped me feel normal and... less like a freak? Yeah. That. B) I just bought and started reading Concerning Littleton today. The first has been a comfort for years, the latter spawned this gushing (Heh...). My sexuality has suffered a lot from the split, but then I was reading the scene where Christina is being undressed for her first diapering, and noticed that I was rock hard without having felt a transition. Which... which is not typical for me. S-so...
You and your brother have been such a healing influence in my life over the last few years, but never more than the past couple of months. I'm still isolated in Indiana, far from any munches or Mommies, but you guys have given me hope and comfort for the next couple years that I'm stuck here, and have helped me rediscover myself after something that shook me to my core. The past few weeks especially, I've been happier and more at home in myself than I can remember being since I was little in body, and not just in mind.
Thank you to you and your adorable brother for everything that you do. I can't express what a difference you've made in my life.
I'm your's sincerely,
~Little Chris
PS: No, seriously, this is like the hottest shit I've ever read. FUCK.

Wow.  I wrote him back (and asked him if I could reprint his letter in my blog, to which you can guess the answer.

Man, it feels so damn good to know that this stuff we do, the podcast, my books, that it makes a difference in the world.  Yes, it doesn't hurt being told your writing is hot enough to fry the eyebrows off a yak at fifty paces, that part is great.  But the real big hit is knowing that I set out to make people's lives better, and that it's working.

So grateful.

AuthorMako Allen
Categories365 Gratitude

Yesterday Valentalae told me about this utterly amazing documentary.

It's called "Best and Most Beautiful Things."

It's about a legally blind, autistic girl named Michelle Smith.  As it happens, she's an age player.  As it also happens, she listens to the podcast.

If you're listening carefully, you can hear her talk about and quote something Valentalae often says, about non-consensual ageplay.  And then later on, she quotes something I often say, too.  

You go watch the whole thing, and see if you can catch where.  I won't spoil it for you.

This documentary is utterly brilliant.  It shows the very real life of a very real person.  She's not some sort of plucky-yet-disabled low budget superhero (thanks Vee, for giving me that verbiage).  She loses her stuff.  And sometimes, she loses her shit.

She's blessedly, wonderfully, perfectly imperfect.  Just like everyone.

That's kind of the point of the whole documentary.  I'm glad it exists, and that she does.  She's an awesome person.

If you want to watch it, it's on Netflix, PBS has it to show for a while, and I know it's coming to iTunes, if it hasn't already.


New beginnings are so many things:

  • Exciting
  • Terrifying
  • Filled with promise
  • Overwhelming

I've needed to make this site, this blog for a while now.  For many, reasons, too.  I've had a lifelong fascination with journaling.  I used to use live journal, kept private journals through word processing, used the various other social media, too.  In fact, I still use twitter, where I'm @makoallen, and Google+, too.  All these things have been great.  But they still fell short.

AuthorMako Allen