It's my birthday today.
I had the nicest text exchange with my mom just now.
If I am, in fact as wonderful as she thinks I am (granted she's highly biased), it's due in large part to her.
My mom is a sweet, funny, gentle, kind, and quirky person who has always just been herself, authentically.
She raised me with those same values. I place high value in being gentle, kind, open, and adventuresome because she taught me to.
I'm grateful she made me, and even more grateful she made me the way I am.
Swam this morning, up to 9.5 miles worth of exercise for the year. Gonna have to pick up the pace a bit to catch back up!
Power exchange, and dominance and submission are enormously important things in my life, and have been for a long time. But they've also been thorny and problematic for me. I get both emotional satisfaction and (sometimes, but not always) sexual gratification from them. I remember when I was a kid, and first stumbled across spanking in a dirty magazine of my father's. I felt this confusing, heady mix of feelings about the subject.
From the outside, this might seem sort of silly. How hard is it to understand a spanking fetish, really?
All joking (and internet memes) aside, it is complicated.
I have struggled for many years to find such interactions with others, and to be fully present for them. As my interest in this stuff developed, I began having this endlessly scripted inner monologue, so many fantasies over what would happen, what my caregiver/dominant would say and do to me and for me. I had a bad case of what Avatar fans would know as "destination fever."
It can make those interactions artificial, and fairly unfulfilling.
Over the years I've come to learn that there's another way. You can treat these experiences organically. Allow them to happen as they will, without trying to dictate who or what you or your partner(s) should be. When I "go organic" with this stuff, I submit authentically to my wife/partner/best friend/mommy/dominant Missy. I let her authentically be in charge.
I'll tell you - organic fruits and vegetables are generally just way better than their non-organic counterparts. They taste fresher, better, and more bold. Organic experiences, especially in d/s are that way too, in my experience.
That was driven home to me big time over the past day or so.
Sunday was a quiet day at home, after a weekend filled with busy activity.
Missy had put me to bed diapered the night before. I woke up in a fuss, wet, wanting out of my diaper before I had to do more in it than maybe I wanted to. That didn't work out for me, and after a shower, I came to her in bed, nuzzling her and looking for guidance.
She asked me why don't I put on a pull-up. I was little, and having trouble processing being asked versus being told what to do, and got kind of upset. I actually ended up biting her a bit. (I know, it's terrible behavior.) She didn't scold me though, she understood I was upset, and confused, and after talking it out with me, told me to go put one on.
I did, and felt much better. Not too much later though, I wound up having an accident in it, and wetting my pants. She sighed, and took care of me, putting me in diapers for the rest of the day.
Well, that was her plan, anyhow.
After several hours of lounging about the house together, she decided we should go out and do some grocery shopping and told me to go put on some pants, so we could go out.
I was little, and not really thinking about what I was doing, and decided that meant I could make the choice to take off my own diaper, and put on underpants, as well as jeans.
Turns out that was not the case. She got very put out with me, scolded me, and put me right back in diapers. Then, we had to stay in, because it was just too late to go out. I knew I had disappointed her, and misbehaved, and felt crushed.
She comforted me though. And she didn't spank me for it. Not until later, when, just before bed I told her I still felt really bad about what I had done, and asked her to spank me. She did then, and explained to me what I should have done, how I could have asked if she wanted me to wear underpants to go out to the store. (Which, she made crystal clear, she did not want.)
I had all night to think about what she said. This morning, we talked about it just a little bit more. I asked her to get me out of my overnight diaper, which she did. We had some lovely personal time I won't get into detail over, and both felt very connected, and together. It was lovely, and authentic, and organic.
Before she left for the day, she set up our little space heater in the bathroom, to warm the tiles for me, so I wouldn't be cold as I got showered and ready.
Really, it's a kind of caregiving - a subtle little way she expresses love (and control) of me and for me. She looks out for me. I love her for it.
Having these needs in my life are complicated to understand, complicated to experience, complicated to share with a partner, too.
I have so much gratitude for the way Missy and I are sharing these organic experiences. They're so fulfilling.
It's funny - I wanted to make sure that sharing this level of detail and intimacy was okay with her, so I texted her even as I was writing this. Without my even meaning for it to do so, it became yet another organic d/s experience.
I'm not sure that's possible. I love her so much. But you know what - I'll let her be the boss about it.
So my friend William Little came to the munch this past weekend. William travels down to our area from a state or two away, which is kind of a big deal. We first met because he listens to the Big Little Podcast. He started coming to the munch about 2 years ago, I think.
We've become very good friends.
This past weekend I invited him to spend time with my family after the munch, and to stay over. We had a really good time. He also brought me three really great birthday presents.
The first present was that he brought me more of his home made beer, which is labeled as DC Littles Munch Beer! Let me just say, that is some damn delicious beer. (It's even better now that it's aged some.)
The second present he brought me was this big red lovely box.
What was in it?
I'll show you.
It's a box of spoons!
If you're scratching your head, let me explain what that's all about. William has heard me talk often about Christine Miserandino's "Spoon Theory", which is how she deals with having an invisible illness. It's also a brilliant way to talk about having finite resources of time and energy. I've blogged about it before.
So William, knowing that I often spend many more spoons than I have on other people, and many projects that I do, gave me an abundance of spoons, so that I won't run out.
It's a hysterically funny and altogether lovely gift. I plan to add oddball spoons to it from all over when I travel.
The third gift that William brought me is more ineffable, and he doesn't even know he gave it to me. It's the gift of being appreciated.
In our various travels over the weekend, we made sure to spend quality time with one another. We talked at the munch some, and then as we drove in separate cars to catch up with my family to go see a movie, we talked on the phone to each other. This was both to make caravanning through traffic easier, and also just to get quality time between friends. As we drove, we talked philosophy, and life, and about goings-on in our own lives. It was perfectly lovely. So much so, that later that night, long after everyone else was in bed, we stayed up, sharing glasses of his excellent beer (from light-up glasses, the very best way for an age player to drink beer in my opinion), while we continued to talk.
William is a great friend. And he really appreciates me for the kind of person I work hard to be. That makes me very happy. He's fun to be around, an altogether good person, and he really appreciates even the smallest things. That's an amazing gift, and I'm very grateful for it.
There's no denying it. I have a fetish for punishment. Ever since I was little I've been fascinated by spanking, and discipline, and punishment. Is there a sexual component to that fascination? Absolutely.
Yet, even when punishment is arousing, there's also this emotionally fulfilling aspect to it. Getting and giving a punishment has great meaning to me. It's a way of saying that my behavior, or the behavior of the person who I'm disciplining, really matters, because I, or that person, really matter.
Accountability is a powerful thing. It's really a huge part of many of the loving relationships that I have.
Being the sort of propellor-headed, tinkering, creative person that I am, it was only natural for me to want to build a better punishment mousetrap, or something like that. I've been obsessed with creating a tool of my own for over a decade now.
Last night on the Big Little Podcast, we interviewed ABJane, and she told me about another tool, a really good one, called linepunishment.com*. The site is used to create, and complete line-writing punishments.
*Editor's note: Not anymore folks. It seems to have gone out of business. Sorry! -January, 8, 2017
I find this incredibly appealing. It uses technology to give a very mature, adult spin (but not a lascivious one) to a familiar, effective, and tedious-in-a-good-way punishment from our childhoods. There's something very legitimizing and real about it.
Want to try it? Do you shame yourself for being kinky? I've made a punishment you can take, if you feel you need it.
Go to the site, and click RUN TASK, and then enter this code:
Feel free to give a name, or do it anonymously. I'll check in later, and see how well you did with your punishment.
There, I bet you feel better already, don't you?
I know I do.
(If you don't feel like being punished, but want to look in on the people who were, you can use the same code and the VERIFY TASK button to see what good boys and girls we all have been.)
