Power exchange, and dominance and submission are enormously important things in my life, and have been for a long time. But they've also been thorny and problematic for me. I get both emotional satisfaction and (sometimes, but not always) sexual gratification from them. I remember when I was a kid, and first stumbled across spanking in a dirty magazine of my father's. I felt this confusing, heady mix of feelings about the subject.
From the outside, this might seem sort of silly. How hard is it to understand a spanking fetish, really?
- Get your pants pulled down, and your bottom bared.
- Receive many stinging slaps to your naked backside.
All joking (and internet memes) aside, it is complicated.
I have struggled for many years to find such interactions with others, and to be fully present for them. As my interest in this stuff developed, I began having this endlessly scripted inner monologue, so many fantasies over what would happen, what my caregiver/dominant would say and do to me and for me. I had a bad case of what Avatar fans would know as "destination fever."
It can make those interactions artificial, and fairly unfulfilling.
Over the years I've come to learn that there's another way. You can treat these experiences organically. Allow them to happen as they will, without trying to dictate who or what you or your partner(s) should be. When I "go organic" with this stuff, I submit authentically to my wife/partner/best friend/mommy/dominant Missy. I let her authentically be in charge.
I'll tell you - organic fruits and vegetables are generally just way better than their non-organic counterparts. They taste fresher, better, and more bold. Organic experiences, especially in d/s are that way too, in my experience.
That was driven home to me big time over the past day or so.
Sunday was a quiet day at home, after a weekend filled with busy activity.
Missy had put me to bed diapered the night before. I woke up in a fuss, wet, wanting out of my diaper before I had to do more in it than maybe I wanted to. That didn't work out for me, and after a shower, I came to her in bed, nuzzling her and looking for guidance.
She asked me why don't I put on a pull-up. I was little, and having trouble processing being asked versus being told what to do, and got kind of upset. I actually ended up biting her a bit. (I know, it's terrible behavior.) She didn't scold me though, she understood I was upset, and confused, and after talking it out with me, told me to go put one on.
I did, and felt much better. Not too much later though, I wound up having an accident in it, and wetting my pants. She sighed, and took care of me, putting me in diapers for the rest of the day.
Well, that was her plan, anyhow.
After several hours of lounging about the house together, she decided we should go out and do some grocery shopping and told me to go put on some pants, so we could go out.
I was little, and not really thinking about what I was doing, and decided that meant I could make the choice to take off my own diaper, and put on underpants, as well as jeans.
Turns out that was not the case. She got very put out with me, scolded me, and put me right back in diapers. Then, we had to stay in, because it was just too late to go out. I knew I had disappointed her, and misbehaved, and felt crushed.
She comforted me though. And she didn't spank me for it. Not until later, when, just before bed I told her I still felt really bad about what I had done, and asked her to spank me. She did then, and explained to me what I should have done, how I could have asked if she wanted me to wear underpants to go out to the store. (Which, she made crystal clear, she did not want.)
I had all night to think about what she said. This morning, we talked about it just a little bit more. I asked her to get me out of my overnight diaper, which she did. We had some lovely personal time I won't get into detail over, and both felt very connected, and together. It was lovely, and authentic, and organic.
Before she left for the day, she set up our little space heater in the bathroom, to warm the tiles for me, so I wouldn't be cold as I got showered and ready.
Really, it's a kind of caregiving - a subtle little way she expresses love (and control) of me and for me. She looks out for me. I love her for it.
Having these needs in my life are complicated to understand, complicated to experience, complicated to share with a partner, too.
I have so much gratitude for the way Missy and I are sharing these organic experiences. They're so fulfilling.
It's funny - I wanted to make sure that sharing this level of detail and intimacy was okay with her, so I texted her even as I was writing this. Without my even meaning for it to do so, it became yet another organic d/s experience.
I'm not sure that's possible. I love her so much. But you know what - I'll let her be the boss about it.