#365Gratitude Day 52:You're reading it

So, this is pretty meta, but my gratitude today is this blog.  Not this actual post, that would be too meta.

But seriously, it's the blog.

I started it back in June, 2014.  I've written in it fairly faithfully since, while experimenting with different levels of commitment.

Back in January, I made the decision to stay caught up, to do my best to blog each day, or at the very least get caught up when I get behind by a few days.

I'm feeling damn good about it.  One of the things which has jumped out at me in particular today is how that practice, that discipline, is encouraging me to pay attention to mindfulness in general.  It's got me slowing down, listening to bird song (right now in fact), appreciating the moment.

I can be incredibly hard on myself.  I often withhold from me the same gentle kindness and compassion I show most everyone and everything else.  But then I'll remember to slow down and appreciate well, everything.

I love being alive.  I love the tiniest aspects about it.  

I love how when I tromped downstairs a bit ago, with the intention to catch up the blog this morning, my cats followed me downstairs to get fed.  I love how I sat, still in my pajamas and diaper, and wrote my gratitudes, as the sun came up.  I love that I can hear the not-quite-silence of the house, with the refrigerator humming quietly to itself in the kitchen, and hear my own breath amongst the sound of my typing.

It's beautiful, the whole damn thing.

And this blog, this practice of journaling, it helps me see it.  Daily.

#365Gratitude Day 51:Verfolgt

Verfolgt is german for "haunted", and it's the name of a film made back in 2006.

Yesterday, as I was working from home, I first read about it online, and then found where I could watch it.

I got on this little tear yesterday, interested in female domination in mainstream media.  The truth is, you don't see it a lot.  Kink being in the public eye is a cyclical thing.  Sure there's the Fifty Shades series, that's such a thing lately, with the books, and the two films now.  Before that there was the Exit to Eden film.

But you don't seem female domination a lot, and when you do, it's usually pretty problematic.

That's sad, really.

So, the film.  I found you could watch the whole damn thing, on YouTube!  Here, go ahead:

Yes, it's got some of that problematic stuff.  But, in this case, I think it's handled, well, artfully.  I don't want to say exactly how or why it's problematic, because I don't want to spoil the plot for you.

But I loved this film.  I was happy to find it watchable, and want to buy the film.  There are parts of it that are highly erotic.  But the thing that really makes this film shine is the performances.  These characters are very, very real.  You see the emotions they struggle with, see how they try to figure themselves out, and what they mean to one another.

It's amazing.

#365Gratitude Day 50:Bryn a very good day

On Sunday, my friend Bryn came to visit.

Bryn's a kink friend of mine, someone I know from going to Camp Crucible.  And in recent months, for whatever reason, we've gone from acquaintances to really good friends.

We both love awful puns, which we frequently share with one another online.  We're both kinky people, and we move in many of the same kink circles.

She's a nerdy techie, like myself, a pagan, a cat person, a sci-fi/fantasy novel reader, a philosophy nut, all that good stuff.

She recently got a new car (and woah, is that thing sexy), which I helped her to name, punnishly, "The Cargonzo Bean", and for which we both decided she needed a plushie chicken as a car co-pilot.  During our day together, we also realized the chicken would be named Carmilla.

Feel free to wince.

Anyhow, the whole morning was super nice.  We hung out at my house, chitchatted, went out for a lovely breakfast, then went plushie shopping.  As we did, we just talked about ourselves and one another, and our friendship, and it was super.

I remember when I was a little kid, like actually physically a little kid, and used to go on "play dates" to a friend's house.  It felt a whole lot like that.

One of the nicest parts of the day was when we were bopping around the mall.  I had talked to her at some length about how I'm dissociative, and my little, mako-kun, both is and is not quite me.  He's my brain-room-mate.  I love him, and protect him, as he's a big part of me.  

He doesn't come forward in public very often, because that's not a safe thing for him.  We, he and I, really don't want any negative attention from anyone about being this way we are.  It's one of the few big, easy weak spots we have.  We aren't crazy, and don't want to be labeled as such.  (To be honest, as open as I am in this blog, I had to take a minute to decide I was going to write about it here.)

So, we're in the Disney store, looking for a plushie chicken, like you do, when Bryn leans in and whispers to mako-kun, and asks him if he'd like one or two of these cute plushie little things called tsum-tsum.  They're a bit like Disney's answer to beanie-babies.

He popped right out, delighted, and said yes.

They walked around the store together, and he found two he very much wanted.  Heimlich, the caterpillar from A Bug's Life, and Eva, the robot from Wall-E.

When we got up to the cash register he very sagely swapped places with me, and let me hand the tsum-tsums to Bryn, who got them for us.

Afterwards, as we walked around the mall, she asked me if that was okay, her having called him to come out like that.  It was more than okay, it was delightful.  Mako-kun likes her a lot.  I like her a lot.

I'm so glad she's our friend.

#365Gratitude Day 49:There's hope for me yet

So, one of my bigger weaknesses has to do with clutter.  It's my kryptonite.  I do well when I have order around me, and I have to work hard to overcome clutter when my stuff gets cluttered.  I think what happens is that, in my head, the amount of energy and time it'll take to create order-out-of-the-chaos gets magnified, and I shy away from it.

Every so often though, when I've got some clutter going on, I can find the energy and drive to do something about it.

Case in point, the hope chest in our bedroom.

Missy and I had a plan for this thing.  It was going to be the comfy place to sit where I put my shoes on.  What it turned into was the "here's where unfolded clean clothes get dumped when you're too tired from being up too late doing things" spot.

I went out of my way on Saturday to reboot that sucker, successfully.

CLEANING WARS, EPISODE IV:A NEW HOPE... CHEST

It didn't really take too long.  About an hour of folding, hanging clothes, and being deliberate about things.  And I'm grateful for it, because the very exercise has shown me that succumbing to the clutter isn't a foregone conclusion.

It makes me want to straighten up my home office too.

I feel like such a grownup.

#365Gratitude Day 48:That's money

On Friday I was working from home when I got a mail from my boss to get in touch with him about my "annual pay increase."

I thought that was a funny, and very promising way to refer to going over my performance review.  I was right, too.

I gave him a call, and he told me about the nice raise I was getting, said I was approved for at least one, if not potentially both of the training/conference related things I wanted to do this year, and said this wonderful thing to me, about how I'm "one of the most trusted and valuable employees at the company."

Damn, that felt good.

I've been at my current gig for about two years now.  Before that, I was at a much larger company, who treated me very much like a number, or perhaps a tiny, very replaceable cog in a giant machine.

I don't talk about my day job very much here, for a number of reasons, but I sure am grateful for it.  It's terrific to work someplace where I make a difference, and am appreciated.