Help is always a good thing, but especially now
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So a big part of my mindful practice is a focus on growth. Every single day of my life I consider who I am as a person, what I do, why I do it, and how.
I’m not perfect. I make mistakes. Sometimes I can be self-centered, sometimes oblivious. But I’m compassionate about it. I recognize that I’m a frail, imperfect human creature. Like everyone.
And that fills me with love and compassion for myself, and for every other person, too.
Which brings me to tonight.
So, I’m coding away on WeMinder, working like a demon trying to get the last 3% or so of it done before release. And I make this HUGE breakthrough, hit a big milestone. I save the code, commit it, and have a moment of blissful relief.
And I’m exhausted, so very tired. But I’m also keyed up. So I go online, to a discord I like, and chat a bit.
One of the chatters, someone I’ve never talked to before, asks “Can someone talk please?”
To which I responded, “Sure, for a few minutes.”
Then we got into it. I won’t get into details, because privacy. But he was nervous about something big, and worried how it was going to go.
I dropped some mindful taoism on him. Showed him one of my favorite zen story videos ever, and gave him my favorite zen piece of music ever.
And he was, absolutely, 100% soothed, and had his despair judo-flipped to a place of calm, enlightened, peace.
He thanked me.
But I’m just as thankful.
Because it’s in these moments that I can see myself for who I am. I can be incredibly hard on myself. I have a terrible case of the “type a’s”. I always think I can do more, be better, do it faster, improve. I so rarely allow myself rest, or imperfection.
But it’s after these sorts of experiences I can cut myself a break. Who am I? I’m the sort of guy who always manages to eke out a few minutes for people in need, and who recognizes that we’re all in this together.
I love who I am.
So there’s a feature in WeMinder called the Mood Thermometer. It’s a way for the two partners in the chart to convey to one another how they feel, and to know that the other person is aware of it.
I’m getting very, very close to being done with, and releasing the app. In one of my more recent updates I added A TON of new moods and icons to the software.
(The one for curious is so ridiculously adorable, it fills me with joy.)
Anyhow, the technique I use to get custom icons in, I have mastered it.
I was showing Missy the update a few days ago (because much like that bald guy with the hair club for men, I’m not just the developer of WeMinder, I’m one of its users) and she commented that there was one mood still missing, “overwhelmed.”
We picked an icon from the icon provider I use, and this morning, in about 10 minutes, I had transformed it from a pile of path objects and gibberish, into the lovely icon you see before you.
I have high hopes for WeMinder. I think people are going to really get a lot out of it, and that it’s going to be a hit. But even if it doesn’t, I’ve already experienced one of the key benefits of the whole endeavor. When I started, I wanted to get better at being a developer, to teach myself a bunch of things which would come in handy in my career.
And I have absolutely done that, and done it well.
So recently as I’ve been studying Esperanto, I’ve stumbled across something really cool, and a little… weird.
In Esperanto you can modify an adjective to use it like a verb. It’s somewhat akin to the English concept of the gerund, using a verb as a noun, like “swimming.” But while that feels natural to me, this other thing feels distinctly odd.
I’m happy to give you an example. You could say, “I’m happy” as…
Mi estas feliĉa.
But you can also write it as….
Mi feliĉas.
Which is sort of.. “I’m happy-ing.” Semantically they mean exactly the same thing. But stylistically, that second one is sort of oddball. It’s like speaking with a weird accent, maybe. I did a little digging, even found a note on the Esperanto stack overflow about it. (And who the heck would have guessed there even was an Esperanto stack overflow, am I right?)
Okay, so why do I care about this, and why should you? What’s the granda afero, the big deal here?
A few things.
First, using that odd style makes your Esperanto a bit less English-like, and more compact. So if you’re going for speaking discretely in public, making it harder for casual listeners to suss out what you’re saying, this helps with that.
If you’re a big, telling their little that their naughty behavior makes you unhappy,
Via fia konduto malŝatas min.
is a bit harder to discern for nosy vanillas than
Mi malŝatas vian malbonan konduton.
Second, that adjective-as-verb business is kind of a language hack for expressing certain ideas in consensual power exchange and ageplay relationships. Take the concept of feeling, getting, or being made to feel “little.” It’s super awkward in English to say that someone “littles” you. They make-you-feel little, or make-you-become little. Snuggling your favorite teddy bear might do that, for example. But there’s not a good, compact way to express the idea in English.
But not so in Esperanto. Take this sentence for example.
Panjo, ŝi malgrandigas min enmetante min en vindotukon.
That is, “Mommy, she makes me feel little by putting me in a diaper.”" Literally, “Mommy, she littles me, by putting me in a diaper.”
I think that is cool as hell.
Or mug of coffee or whatever.
Actually, this particular blog post isn’t even about me, per se, but a dear friend.
Several months ago, this friend approached me about a problem. They were finally feeling their best self, living their authentic life. They felt in touch with their kinks, were getting social in the best ways, and feeling great about it.
And then, some “well-meaning” person broadsided them. In the interests of anonymity, I’m not going to reveal anything about either party, even gender. So let’s call my friend Oolong, and the well-meaning person Pekoe.
Pekoe said something to Oolong to the effect of, “you’re being super creepy and objectifying people, and everyone thinks so but won’t tell you.”
This devastated my friend Oolong. Who is sex-positive, feminist, compassionate, and kind.
It was also, as it turns out, completely untrue. Pekoe was having some sort of moment. They had come completely unhinged, and proceeded to make a whole lot of accusations about a whole lot of people, all in one go.
Okay, so why am I writing about this then?
Well, Oolong and I sat down for a virtual cuppa this morning (because Covid) and they revealed this truth to me.
“Ever been relieved and angry at the same time? That was me last night and still a little this morning.”
So we sat down and we talked it out.
And here’s what I said to them about it.
“First, and most importantly I’m relieved, sorrowful, and angry right along with you.
Second, this just doubles down my position on kindness and compassion as my default.
Third, this thing cements what I have been saying for a long time, about not chasing people. Looking for vetting, benediction, validation, or blessing from another human being is a brittle strategy.
Because people are fucking broken And in their dysfunction often do some pretty grievous shit to one another So a huge problem with chasing is that you’re reaching out for something you need from a source that may not have it Because people are messy bags of slop.
Some days I am in the zone, and got it going on. Other days I’m a damn mess So getting hard and fast guidelines from another bag of slop, to help me be less of a bag of slop... Probably not my best choice
So… I’m not saying to not seek out validation from others. Just to be selective and judicious about it. It’s what Brené Brown says. Being vulnerable to somebody else, that’s an earned thing. People have to show their worth to me to be worth wanting to be vulnerable to them.”
The whole exchange left me feeling good about helping my friend, and just more resolute about my positions on things.
Yes, it’s nice to be liked. But I don’t require it. I’m not for everyone.
That’s a comfort.