Or mug of coffee or whatever.
Actually, this particular blog post isn’t even about me, per se, but a dear friend.
Several months ago, this friend approached me about a problem. They were finally feeling their best self, living their authentic life. They felt in touch with their kinks, were getting social in the best ways, and feeling great about it.
And then, some “well-meaning” person broadsided them. In the interests of anonymity, I’m not going to reveal anything about either party, even gender. So let’s call my friend Oolong, and the well-meaning person Pekoe.
Pekoe said something to Oolong to the effect of, “you’re being super creepy and objectifying people, and everyone thinks so but won’t tell you.”
This devastated my friend Oolong. Who is sex-positive, feminist, compassionate, and kind.
It was also, as it turns out, completely untrue. Pekoe was having some sort of moment. They had come completely unhinged, and proceeded to make a whole lot of accusations about a whole lot of people, all in one go.
Okay, so why am I writing about this then?
Well, Oolong and I sat down for a virtual cuppa this morning (because Covid) and they revealed this truth to me.
“Ever been relieved and angry at the same time? That was me last night and still a little this morning.”
So we sat down and we talked it out.
And here’s what I said to them about it.
“First, and most importantly I’m relieved, sorrowful, and angry right along with you.
Second, this just doubles down my position on kindness and compassion as my default.
Third, this thing cements what I have been saying for a long time, about not chasing people. Looking for vetting, benediction, validation, or blessing from another human being is a brittle strategy.
Because people are fucking broken And in their dysfunction often do some pretty grievous shit to one another So a huge problem with chasing is that you’re reaching out for something you need from a source that may not have it Because people are messy bags of slop.
Some days I am in the zone, and got it going on. Other days I’m a damn mess So getting hard and fast guidelines from another bag of slop, to help me be less of a bag of slop... Probably not my best choice
So… I’m not saying to not seek out validation from others. Just to be selective and judicious about it. It’s what Brené Brown says. Being vulnerable to somebody else, that’s an earned thing. People have to show their worth to me to be worth wanting to be vulnerable to them.”
The whole exchange left me feeling good about helping my friend, and just more resolute about my positions on things.
Yes, it’s nice to be liked. But I don’t require it. I’m not for everyone.
That’s a comfort.