#365Gratitude: SurpriseNotSurprise

So there's this thing that Squee and I have in common - we don't really like surprises.  In my case, it's that I'm not fond of the related sneaking-around-and-lying related to it.  It's not that I don't like people doing nice things for me, I really, really do.  But I don't find that those things are improved by being a secret.

Squee's distaste for surprises is because she really dislikes being startled.   

I get this.  I really, really get it. 

Leah, our girl Katie's partner, and I often joke around about being SorryNotSorry for something.  (Like say, interrupting someone to hug them, because that's awesome.) 

Similarly, there's a way to surprise someone while not surprising them. 

MIssy and I sent Squee a very nice early-birthday present the other day.  I wanted her to be on the lookout for the package, so I let her know it was coming, but not what was in it.   (If you want to know, you'll have to ask her.)

She was so pleasantly surprised but not startled knowing we'd sent her something. 

When she got it, she was even more pleasantly surprised.  But not surprised. 

See how that works? 

I love when life circumstances teach me things about my partners and myself. 

But that's not surprising. 

#365Gratitude: Willpower!

I had an amazing day the other day.  Even though I was not feeling it, I went to the gym, and swam before work.  Then I threw code all day, working hard to surmount a technical challenge I'd been struggling with for days.  I persevered, and eventually figured it out, even though I really, really wanted to throw in the towel, multiple times.​

(Which I couldn't, because the towel was wet, and cold, and in my gym bag, in my car in the parking lot.)​

But my crowning achievement of indomitable willpower for the day came late in the day.  I was leaving the conference room, getting ready to go back to my desk and pack up to leave when I saw that someone had left a brownie out for anyone to eat in the office kitchen.​

Instantly my Inner Demon woke up, and told me, "Say.... you worked out this morning, and have had a day filled with technical challenges.  Wouldn't that brownie be just a fantastic reward?"​

"No," I said.  "I'm trying to get in shape, eat mindfully, too.  I'm not hungry, and I really don't need a sugary treat just now."​

"Are you sure?" the Inner Demon said.  "It looks pretty tasty!"​

"Absolutely sure," I said.  "And it's just some store brownie, still wrapped in cellophane.  It doesn't look good.  It looks free.  That doesn't mean I have to have it.  Go away, Inner Demon."​

And he did.​

#365Gratitude: Rendered plush honors by @Scootylooty

Scootylooty is one of our podcast listeners, and someone who follows both Spacey and me on Twitter.

He totally knocked me out the other day, with a single tweet: 

 "Random pic of me and my new plushie Mako Spacey in our car seats."

Brother and I both told him we were honored.  How adorable is that?! 

#365Gratitude: Yow, ming

No, not this guy

So I ran into a little problem with ming the other day.  

Not the very tall retired basketball player Yao Ming.  I mean the other kind of ming, names.

I have this very dear friend, William.  We're very close.  He's visited my home, hung out with my wife and ageplaying poly family.  

This past year or so has been a turbulent time for him, too.  He's been going through some big things in his life, both good and bad.  I've been super happy to be there for him, as a confidant, sounding board, advisor, and witness to joy.

I'm not the only one, too.  My girlfriend Squee has been there for him too, as has our friend Matti.  We have this little private Skype chat going on where we talk all the time.   I jokingly (and not so jokingly) named it the Team William Pit Crew.  (And then subsequently renamed it to the Team William and Matti Pit Crew - because that's how we roll.  Sound of revving engines.)

Anyhow, this has meant a lot to William.  He said as much the other day when he said this to all of us in the pit crew:

Can I add you guys as brothers or sisters or something in Fetlife? I feel connected and proud to have you as part of my life :-)

And that was sweet, and good and kind of a red-alert problem for me.  Why?

I'm funny about names and labels and such.  Funny in a bunch of different directions.  First, there's my basic philosophical disconnect with them.  There's this Japanese saying I'm very fond of quoting, "The finger that points at the moon is not the moon."  Spacey often says this in a less ineffable way, "A label is just a placeholder for a conversation."  The name of something is not the thing itself.  

I said as much to William yesterday, on the phone.  Take the word "water".  

"Water" isn't water.  It's just sounds.  The way water feels splashing on your face, the way it smells when you walk next to it, the sound of it rushing over rocks, or its taste when you swallow it as you swim in it, those are all more "water" than "water" is.  The word is not the thing itself.

Second, "brother" is for me, a reserved word of sorts.  I've got one brother.  You know him - we do that podcast together.  For me "Brother" is as much a name I hold for him as a title, or a descriptor.  It's kind of a big deal for me, because although I don't throw this around a lot, he is a polyamorous partner of mine, and my relationship with him is one of the most special things in my entire life.  I've only got the one, and he's the only one I want.

But I was touched that William felt that way.  And I do feel similarly.  Over the time I've known him we've become like family.  Which I suggested as a label to him.  We've done one another many kindnesses, and are always happy to see and talk to one another, to spend time.  I've got this amazing present he gave me in my office here at home, it's literally a giant box of spoons, for when I'm out of them.  I'm very grateful for him, and happy for the world to know it.  He feels much the same.

Skype was being very funny to us the past few days and kind of eating up the instant messages between us.  He got around it by giving me a call yesterday, and we spent a good long time on the phone talking about this.  He was understanding, and we dug into philosophy, connection, care, validation, and how the world sees us.  We had a great conversation, and I told him it would be my gratitude if he didn't mind.

Which he didn't.

Family is like that.

#365Gratitude: No reservations about a table for none

So we have a visiting relative in town, and the four of us went sightseeing around DC. We also had plans (but not reservations) to go get ramen in Chinatown. 

We decided to go to  Daikaya, a ramen bar I know. It's a tiny hole-in-the-wall sort of place. 

We got there and asked for a table and were told it'd be 90 minutes. Then they told us we could leave our number and they would text us when our table was ready.  

"Sure," I said.  

We tried to go to their sister restaurant upstairs, but it didn't serve ramen.  

We opted for a Thai place down the street.  About 5 minutes after I placed my order for some choo-chee salmon a whole bunch of cops came screaming up outside our restaurant to go yank somebody out of the ramen place. 

Really. I got a picture of it. 

Just then the ramen place texted me to let me know they indeed now had a table for us. 

I told them we had other plans. I wasn't expecting a human repose, but when they said "no problem", I couldn't help but ask what had just happened.  They told me "Someone came running into the restaurant trying to escape the police."

Wow.  

I told them thanks and asked if everyone was okay.  

They were.  

I'm glad it didn't end badly. And glad that whoever-that-was on the end of that text and I connected, ever so briefly over what could have been terrible.