#dailyThink: Cruelty

Since I'm off today, and catching up my blog, I wanted to share something I've been noodling about for days.

A few days ago, Missy, my sister-in-law, and my not-sure-what-you-call-your-great-nephew's-other-grandmother-from-Japan went out for lunch to restaurant on a pier off Anna Maria Island.

The restaurant is several hundred yards off the shore, right at the end of the pier, surrounded by water.  It's really nice.  As you eat you get to watch the ocean, where sometimes dolphins and sharks pop up out of the water.  (Yes, some dolphins did, it was awesome.  No, no sharks did.  Wrong time of day for it.)

You also get a window seat to view people fishing.

We saw a man and a boy fishing together, right in front of us.  The man hooked a fish, reeled it in, cut the line, and dropped it to the pier.  This is where my contemplation on cruelty comes from.

The fish lay there, flopping about, struggling, asphyxiating, and slowly dying.  The man didn't care.  It was nothing to him.  At one point, it went flopping away down the pier, and he rushed to catch it, and bring it back.  Then he threw it down on the deck, and stood on it, while he kept fishing.

I was horrified.

I didn't say anything to Missy, but she could see the look on my face.  We talked about it some. Let me be clear on some things: I'm an omnivore.  I eat fish, and chicken, and beef.  I don't think it's wrong or immoral to be an omnivore.  

I did do some furious googling to see if I could find any scientific research on whether fish feel pain.  (There are conflicting opinions about this.)  I did ever so briefly flirt with the idea of becoming a vegetarian (as I have been previously).  I ate my mahi-mahi sandwich, we had a lovely time, and eventually left.

But it got me thinking.  What was it that really bothered me about the whole thing.  It was the cruelty.  I think I would have preferred it if the fisherman had put the fish into a cooler filled with water, or perhaps (gruesome as this sounds) slammed it against the side of the pier, to end its life quickly, instead of just letting it lay there, dying slowly.

I don't like cruelty.  I don't want to practice it, nor do I want to be around it.

I'm not talking about cruelty as its used in d/s relationships.  That's a different thing.  Two or more consenting parties agree to enjoy some gourmet suffering.  

But the garden variety cause-suffering-in-others-and-not-care-about-it kind is a no-no for me.  I want as little to do with it as possible.  I don't want to cause it, I don't want to participate in it.  

It's why recently I've stopped following a lot of politically minded folks on social media, why I don't lend my voice to anger and rhetoric.  Certainly I have political opinions, everyone does.  I'll vote.  That's enough for me.  

I'm not interested in being a political combatant on social media.  I've seen that same thing make a lot of people I know very upset.  I've watched close friends make each other feel like complete shit over their disagreements on an issue.  Yuck.  

It's not just political stuff on my mind, either.  

I found out through someone close recently that an acquaintance of mine thinks I'm an asshole.  Said acquaintance isn't someone I see often.  I can count on one hand the number of times we've been in the same place at the same time over the past few years.  

After finding out why he doesn't like me, I can even see it.  I get his side of the story.  He didn't like a choice I made a while back, that indirectly impacted him.  I didn't mean to make him feel slighted, or put out.  I was just making my own best choice at the time, a choice I still stand behind.  Sometimes, you make choices that make people unhappy.  

For me, It's really no big deal at all.

Not so much for this guy.  Years later, he's got his shorts in a bunch over it.  When I first found this out, I was angry for maybe 5 seconds.  I know I'm going to see this guy again.  I got to thinking about what, if anything I would say or do about my knowledge that he dislikes me.

I think the answer, for me, is to do nothing at all.  

What interests me about all this stuff is the relationship between them.  Sometimes, we're cruel to other people (or animals) without even being aware of it.  Clearly, I've been.  

It's on my radar, part of my practice, to be gentle, to be kind, as much as I can to anyone and everyone.  

#365Gratitude Day 285: I'm not a convict millionaire

This morning I had myself a brief case of expectation-rollercoastering.  

I'm neither of these things

What the heck is that?  I'm glad you asked.  Expectation is a form of judgment.  It takes a lot of forms, positive and negative, and can be about the past or the future.  Here are some lovely examples from my recent subconscious mind:

• It was really good that I walked 8 miles on Saturday.  
• I need to walk like that all the time to get back in shape. 
• I can't stop working on my novel.
• have to make more money as fast as I can.

What happens to me sometimes, (and I'm sure happens to you, too), is I'll get caught up in a series of memories, regrets, fears, personal recriminations, envy, relief, imagined outcomes, and other mental flotsam and jetsam.  It's a sort of whirling, pulsing, ride of emotions.  It has real physical effects, too.  My heart races, my skin tingles, my stomach drops.  It feels like being on a rollercoaster, or maybe a log flume.  It's not entirely pleasant.*

This particular morning I was thinking of two people I knew back in high school, J. and V.  J is a convict now.  V is a multi-millionaire.  I haven't talked to either in years.

J, the convict one, he's someone I went to high school and college with, who married a good friend of mine.  He did a Very Bad Thing I'm Not Going to Talk About Directly, a few years ago.  I only found out about it recently.  It boggled my mind.  For a while I couldn't process that the same guy I ate sandwiches with, and talked about sports cars to, was now sitting in a jail cell.

The millionaire is also a high school friend of mine.  We were friends, but not super close ones.  We used to have excellent philosophical and political conversations in study hall.  He was one of a small group of folks I went to an after-party with after my senior prom.  I knew he had had some degree of success during the dot-com era, but not exactly how much.  On a whim this morning, I dug around the internet thinking about it, and found out that he and another high school friend of mine had sold their web-based business to another web-based business for hundreds of millions of dollars.  

And for some weird reason, cue rollercoaster.

I felt this wash of feelings come over me.  I was so glad to not be J, whose choices and actions horrify me.  I was envious of the vast wealth that V had, and couldn't conceive of how the same guy I knew now moved in this vastly different sphere from me.  I tried to imagine how I could have done what he did, to be where he is now.  I suddenly was examining my own life and choices with a critical magnifying glass, and not coming up good enough to an Imaginary standard I had created.

*I take it back.  Emotional Rollercoastering is no fun whatsoever.

It so upset me, I reached out for my brother Spacey, to talk to him about it. 

Before he could get back to me though, I had the chance to get off the rollercoaster by myself.  Here's how.  Lately, I've been focusing my daily practice of meditation and contemplation on the concept of shenpa, attachment, and how to work with them.  (Pema Chödrön has really good advice on how to do this.)

I used Pema's advice to touch the thoughts lightly.  It's like the image of popping a soap bubble with a feather.

Or in this case, your fingers.

I recognized the roller coaster as being of my own making.  That it was, as Pema says, "just thinking."  

Pop!

That doesn't make the thoughts and feelings go away, but it puts them in perspective.  The second I did it, I was flooded with relief.  I wasn't in jail like J.  Nor was I V, with whatever blessings and challenges he has in his own life.

Instead I realized I was simply me.  Me, standing in the shower.  Where the water was warm.  

I'm the me with my own past achievements, my own past mistakes.  And I'm the me with life ahead of me, some unknown quantity of it.  It could be moments, it could be decades.  It actually doesn't even matter how much time it turns out to be.

This is how it goes, with shenpa.  This is why mindfulness is a practice.  It's a practice I began about 15 years ago, and which I'll be doing for the rest of my life.  

I felt much better.  That was when Spacey caught up with me.

He reminded me about the strawberry in this very favorite zen story of mine.  

Man I am loving this strawberry.

#365Gratitude Day 284: Rachel

Our girl Rachel is a very generous person.  She's really very good to us.  While we were away, she watched the cats for us, which she always does.  She really thinks of herself as Yin and Yang's aunt.  They love her, too.

Rachel can be thoughtful and kind in lots of little ways.  She did one of those in a big way yesterday.  We got home from the airport around mid-day, pretty worn out.  We got up at 3:20 in the morning, to get packed up, and on the road.  It was about an hour to Tampa, and there were rental cars to return, and flights to make.  By the time we got home, we were pretty tuckered out.

Not only was Rachel there waiting to greet us, but she stayed over and made us a delicious dinner, of home made meatloaf, garlic mashed potatoes, green beans, and even wine.  

(Okay, she didn't make the wine, she just bought it.  Geez what a critical reader you are - what, you expect she's going to put a grape stomping tub in the garage or something?) 

Man this was good.

This whole vacation was really about family for me.  First I got to get to know the newest member of it, my great-nephew K., and his other grandmother from Japan, and then when I come home, I get this lovely treatment by Rachel, who is, in a different but no less important way, also family to me.

I'm really very fortunate.

#365Gratitude Day 283: Provisions aplenty

So this morning, I went for another long walk for a workout.​ Missy left the house with me. We got to the beach and I realized I had forgotten to put on sunscreen. 

No problem. She had some cash, and we bought sunscreen at the beach, and she sprayed me up real good.​

I got on my way. I called my friend shyguy from Germany over Skype, and we got into a good long talky call​.  It was such a good call that before I knew it I had walked over 4 miles one way, to the very northernmost tip of the island.  

Now I had been planning a long walk. After all, tomorrow we travel home, and odds are good I won't be getting a workout in, or probably eating very well. ​

But I wasn't sure I meant to do over 8 miles. Still, I didn't regret the decision, at first. I turned around, and headed back. ​

At mile 5, I was a bit tired. By mile 6, I was outright exhausted, and very, very thirsty.  I didn't bring any water with me, which was pretty stupid in hindsight. 

I briefly flirted with the idea of hopping on the free trolley bus that goes around the island. I even sat on a trolley bench for a minute to get out of the heat and the sun. ​

Sometimes sitting down is just super.  

That reinvigorated me enough that I could keep going until I eventually found a public library.  Besides books, libraries have... Anyone?  ​

Water fountains! ​

My lovely German friend got to hear me slurp cold water like an over eager dog, for a full minute. ​

I got back on the road, and headed for home, only to have to seek shelter under a building porch minutes later when a huge rain storm came through. ​

Totally dry...except for being drenched in sweat

Not long after it vanished, and the air was left damp and cool, the sky still cloudy. Perfect weather for the exhausted walker to find his way home. ​

I commented to my friend how very grateful I was, how astounded by the sheer number of things I had to be grateful for that day. ​

I often say that 道, or the universe provides.​  Whatever I need, is given to me right when I need it. Sometimes those things are unpleasant, like aching feet, or a long way to go to get someplace. Sometimes, they're lovely like a good companion, a cold drink, a thoughtful spouse, or sudden shelter. 

​But either way, so long as I'm mindful, paying attention to what's in front of me, I have enough. 

I'm grateful for this. ​

#365Gratitude Day 282: A thoughtful gift

My friend Michael loves videogames. It was Michael who got me hooked on portal, introduced me to Steam, and who surprised me on Saturday with a gift. 

It's a copy of a game called the Beginners Guide. 

Here's a screen cap from it.  

The premise of the game is very meta, and a bit odd. It's a game about games. Specifically it's about the games that the narrator's friend, Coda builds. 

Without being violent, without being graphic, it's easily one of the most disturbing things I've ever seen. There's a certain point in the game, that you realize that you don't know exactly what's going on here.  At that point you reevaluate everything you've seen, heard, and learned. 

It's mind bending, and brilliant.  

I'm grateful my generous friend shared it with me.