Mommy loves giving bubble baths. She really really likes giving them to me and Richard together.
I really love it too.
Yesterday I did something great:
Nothing.
To be fair, it wasn't completely nothing. Missy and I went out and did some Ingress stuff. We did a tiny amount of holiday shopping. We went to the movies. (We saw Interstellar, which we loved.)
But really, all of it was without a plan, an agenda, a schedule. We just kind of chilled out.
This is not my usual fare. I've always got a hundred things going on: a podcast to plan, studying to do for work, writing to do on my next novel, a life coaching session to prep for or do, not to mention regular old everyday vanilla chores like house cleaning, bills to pay, etc.
Sometimes the very best thing to do is nothing in particular.
So it's not a secret that I'm something of an ochlophobe. For those unfamiliar with the term, it's someone who doesn't like being in crowds.
I find them overwhelming.
It's mysteriously inconsistent though. I can go to a concert or movie, sit in my seat, enjoy it.
I've been to some outdoor concerts and had lawn seats, same thing. Yet other times, those same lawn seats were torture.
The disjointed crowd, talking in a million conversations, feeling, doing so many different things makes me feel trapped. My head pounds. My stomach rolls. It's a terrible feeling.
The funny thing about all this is I'm an entertainer. I love to perform TO a crowd. I have no fear whatsoever of public speaking, love reading my work in front of an audience, love making people laugh, think, or be aroused. I'm a storyteller.
I like to be in FRONT of crowds, just not IN them. I must be some sort of arrogant masochist or something.
So why, on Thanksgiving, would I possibly go to a supermarket? What am I, crazy?
No, just unwilling to be compromised by my fears when we needed some things. I'm glad I did, too, because it actually became something of a profound experience.
When I got out of the car, I parked next to this guy who had a completely ridiculous sticker on his car. This one. That got me in a whimsical mood. But it was nothing compared to the people I'd run into next.
As I walked down the aisle of the crowded parking lot, I saw a young family with two small children, juggling many packages, and loading their car.
The mother would patiently hand something to their daughter, who I think was maybe six, who in turn would hand it to her father, who would put it away. He was also holding their son, a toddler, on his hip. The whole process was needlessly awkward, slow, charming, and funny. Both parents caught my eye as I strolled past, and both smiled at me and nodded toward their daughter, who clearly felt very important. I wished them a happy thanksgiving, and kept going.
In the store, I wound up behind this couple who were hysterically funny. The woman would alternate between rushing the man she was with, and then stopping to pick something off the shelves, because they needed it. Every time he would put something into the cart, she would scold him for slowing them down.
I smiled walking past them, and he winked at me. I laughed out loud. She saw me, and laughed too. Then they just amped the whole act up, for comic effect.
Lastly, when I checked out, I had the most hyperkinetic doofus checkout clerk ever. She had a good look at the french wine I was buying, pronounced it acceptable, and asked what time she should come over. It was really funny, if a teensy tiny bit creepy and off-putting. Mostly, I was in awe of her frenetic energy, and how she turned what could be an exhausting job on a hard day into something really very positive.
That was the moment when my gratitude for the day rolled up and soundly struck me. I love people. I love every last one of them. People are noisy, confusing, mixed up crazy messes, and I wouldn't have it any other way. I get so much joy out of my interactions with other people, even total strangers.
I'm grateful for all of you.
Sometimes, people annoy me.
This is perfectly normal. I'm no saint. I have my pain points like anyone else.
One of these is passive aggressive whining, and envy. I see a LOT of this sort of thing from other kinky folks.
They want a partner, or a munch nearby, or the world to somehow be different, or to have some material thing without which their life is incomplete.
There's this silent, unspoken, implication which follows these sorts of complaints, "Could someone out there get/do/change this for me?"
Ugh. Yuck.
This sort of thinking makes my skin crawl, for a number of reasons. These include:
• It objectifies everyone involved.
• They're inherently expectation based.
• They're disempowering of the person saying and thinking them.
These statements have something else in common, too.
They are NOT MY PROBLEM.
Mostly.
Why mostly? Because I'm responsible for my own feelings. The very same annoyance I feel when I see this sort of thinking is as much MY OWN problem as the thinking is the problem of the person doing the thinking!
It's as if when I get annoyed, I'm saying, "I'd be so much happier if person x wasn't such a self-centered, helpless idiot."
Wow. What a bunch of arrogant, self-centered thinking on my part. Who am I to dictate the perfect state of the world and the people in it?
I'm nobody. The universe is perfect just as it is, and moreover is in a state of constant change. If I can stop my own crybaby whining, I can witness some of those changes, enjoy them, work with them.
That's when I know what I have to do.
For/about the person who has annoyed me and not asked for my help, I must do Nothing. (Which is vastly different than not doing anything.)
For myself, I must allow that this situation which annoys me is. Then, with all the self-love I can muster, I have to shut the hell up, and move on.
The Tao Te Ching advises this very strategy.
2
When people see some things as beautiful,
other things become ugly.
When people see some things as good,
other things become bad.
Being and non-being create each other.
Difficult and easy support each other.
Long and short define each other.
High and low depend on each other.
Before and after follow each other.
Therefore the Master
acts without doing anything
and teaches without saying anything.
Things arise and she lets them come;
things disappear and she lets them go.
She has but doesn't possess,
acts but doesn't expect.
When her work is done, she forgets it.
That is why it lasts forever.
It's not my place to dictate to anyone else how the universe or any part of it should be, beyond the changes I myself can make in it. That's the very essence of one of the three jewels of the Tao, humility.
The Chinese phrase for it is "bugan wei tianxia xian", literally, "dare to not be first in the world."
Knowing that, what I will often do is mute the person in question, for a day, sometimes a week. Because I don't need to tortute myself, right?
Then, as now, I get on with the shutting up.
For many years now I've been friends with ShyGuy from Germany. I think we first became friends on Twitter, but have since moved to the occasional Skype chat, lots of Kik conversations, too. I've met him in person at CapCon, the Chicago age player's convention, which he often attends. I'm also friends with his sweetie, Kat Nichols, the wonderful creator of the very not-safe-for-work mmmdiapers.com.
He's wonderful.
We have amazing conversations, all the time. He's deeply philosophical, and we sometimes spend an entire day noodling over some philosophical issue, together.
Plus, he's got a genuine interest in what Ive got to say, and the projects and work which are important to me. When I post blog entries, or tweet something, more often than not, he's the very first person to respond. I really consider him to be a very close friend. I wish we didn't live so very far apart, but I'm so grateful that technology and our mutual like for one another have allowed us to have the close friendship that we do.