Okay, so it’s been a long, long time since I posted here. Let’s address the elephant in the room about this, shall we? I’ve been Going Through A Thing™.
It’s a personal problem, it’s in my family, and I haven’t been talking about it, here.
And that’s a trend that’s largely going to continue. When said problem first reared it’s sharp-toothed head, back in December, I reached out to a very small group of people I’m very close to, for love and support. If this is unfamiliar to you, if you have no idea what the heck I’m even talking about, that’s because you’re not in that group.
Which, I promise you, isn’t any sort of personal slight, it’s not a comment on your worth or merit as a human being, or even as my friend.
Sometimes I live in a weird liminal space. Because of my work in the kink community, because of the podcast, because of my books, my app, my advocacy, I’m somewhat of a public figure. People know me, and know about me. There’s all sorts of wildly intimate stuff about who I am, what I like, and how I live, that’s very much in the public eye.
But the truth is, I am more than those things which I show to others so openly. I’m a person like anyone else, and have my own burdens, my own pains, my own struggles. And during this particular one, I found myself in a new mode, sort of.
My default is to be The Guy Who People Come To For Help And Wisdom. I’m that good listener, with compassionate perspective, who’s always got a minute for them what needs me. But for the past 6 months or so, that’s not been me. Instead, I’ve withdrawn. I’ve reached out to people I feel safe being vulnerable to, and who have the chops to do the heavy emotional labor lifting I’ve needed. I have a fantastic therapist, who I talk to all the darn time.
Things are on the upswing for me. Which is good.
No, that does not mean there’s about to be some big debrief that them-not-in-that-circle will suddenly get to consume. That’s not happening.
Something odd has happened to me during this time, too. I’ve gained some perspective on my public relationship with acquaintances.
For one, there are people who only know me through that stuff. And I’ve had a few super awkward interactions during this time, where people came looking for me to sort of “Do Business as Usual” or something, and it left me feeling very bad. Leaned on, consumed like a product or a food. I’ve shied away from these folks, and these sort of imbalanced interactions like a toddler touching a hot stove. But upon some reflection, I realize that these are unwitting things. When people interact with me in that way, they’re only leaning into what they know of me. I’m not like King Baby of Diaper Mountain or something, but I do have a public persona which I’ve cultivated, and through which some people have their dealings with me. That’s not good or bad, it’s not their fault. And when those interactions feel selfish or one-sided to me, when I’m low, it’s kind of on me to recognize the nature of the connection, and its inherent limitations.
For another, I’ve gained some perspective on empathy, and what I’ll call “toxic sympathy.” You know, something terrible will happen, and some well meaning, but hapless goober, will express how the victims of said something are in their “thoughts and prayers.”
I gotta tell you, that shit pisses me off.
Because, let’s say your beloved Uncle Hypothetical gets a terminal illness, Helpful Harry’s thoughts and prayers are worth exactly nothing. Uncle Hypothetical is still going to wither and die while you watch, helplessly.
Those thoughts and prayers aren’t going to call the hospice, to set up care, they’re not going to talk to your HR department about taking short term disability so you can move in his house, and feed him, and wipe his ass for him, or whatever. They’re not going to help you get to sleep at night, knowing your uncle will be dead soon. They aren’t going to fix your lack of appetite, or motivation to even get out of bed.
What they will do, what they are doing is making Helpful Harry feel good about himself, while he insinuates himself in your business, uninvited, and uses your trauma, as a balm for his own pain.
Yes, I realize how angry this sounds. Yes, I’ve been this angry about it.
I was talking about this with my therapist today. And I had a bit of an epiphany. Recently, a particular Helpful Harry has been really trying to worm his way in to my support circle, offering me that “thoughts and prayers” flavor support that I neither invited them to do, nor want. It’s happened a number of times now. In the not too distant past, I actually took them to task for it. I said, “Hey… please stop making my pain about your desire to help me." I thought they got the message.
Just a few days ago, they did it again, wishing me a good day and a good week, “if it’s okay to do that.”
My response was a simple emoticon, a thumbs up.
Which is like, return receipt for human connection. It’s the barest minimum acknowledgement you can give another human being. It’s like that bullshit nod that men give one another as we walk past each other in a crowded space. “Why yes, I, a man, see that you, another man, has seen me. Thanks.” The social-media-thumbs up, it’s like that, but LESS.
I’ve been stewing about it for a few days.
An old ex of mine used to have this problem behavior, that really bothered me. She would intentionally ghost people, as a means of getting them to leave her alone. Instead of just directly speaking to someone, and telling them she wasn’t interested, or didn’t have time for them, or found their love of Wooden Clog Dancing Shows repugnant, or whatever, she’d just not answer the phone, not reply to the email, etc.
I remember seeing her do this, and being really revolted by it. It was one of the things that when we did split, made me glad to be done with her.
But I’ve begun to see that human interactions aren’t cut and dry, aren’t simple. Sometimes, when my interactions with someone are painful for me, and the other party can’t or won’t hear what I have to say to them about it, then it’s time to go Casper. By which I mean, ghost them in a friendly way. Give them that bare minimum of interaction which says, “Actually no, it’s not okay to interact with me in this way. But you’re still a person, and I wish you well.”
Sometimes, the things I have gratitude for, they’re not very pleasant things. But that doesn’t mean they’re not worthwhile. Life is filled with great joys and hideous pains. I’m glad that through resiliency and experience, I learn better each day how to deal with them.