So, I’m back at work today, trying my best to just be in the moment. It’s actually going pretty well.
I did have a teary moment in the car this morning. I was listening to episode 52, the anniversary show, greedily listening for Andrea speaking, laughing, loving.
I forgot that she had had to leave the recording before we finished. At a certain point she announced she had to go, told us how much she loved us, and said goodbye.
I gripped the steering wheel tight, and sobbed.
But at work, I’ve largely been able to focus today, to make progress.
I’ve been listening to a good book, Morning Star by Pierce Brown. It’s an amazing book, which is often hard to read. It’s filled with pain, suffering, and death.
As I was eating my lunch, a few minutes ago, I got to a part of the book where the protagonist, Darrow mourns the death of a very significant character. I’d rather not say who, in case you read it.
Sharing in Darrow’s mourning weirdly feels comforting to me. It feels like the whole universe kind of has me cradled in its gentle hand, keeps pushing me into things which both stir my grief and then smooth it out.
That’s just the sort of epiphany Andrea and I would have dished about for hours on the phone. The thing about being cradled by the universe is, I’m the universe too. Part of being cradled is doing that same cradling for others, too.
It’s clear to me that Andrea is still just as vibrant and enormous a part of my life as ever. Her shape in it has changed, but not her worth or strength. She lives in me. She’s sort of everywhere.
I decided to blog about it for just that reason. I hope that helps you, too, dear reader.