#gratitudeNow: Angry at the Bananas

You can kind of find mindfulness everywhere. This morning I found it by getting angry at the bananas.

Here’s how that went down.

Came downstairs to make myself some breakfast, including a nice cup of tea. I had this new box of tea pods I broke open.

I decided to get organized about it, and load the new pods into the little rotating stand that I have by the pod machine. But the bananas were in my way. There they were hanging on their little banana hook, in front of the stand.

Stupid bananas!

I picked up the hook and bananas and shifted it, them to our kitchen island. Satisfied with myself, but still angry at this inconvenience I began popping pods in the open spaces in the rack. As I did this some of the pods got dislodged and fell inside the stand.  The only way to get them out was to flip the whole thing upside down and shake the errant pods out onto the counter. Which I did, cussing under my breath.

Great, now I was angry at the pods, the rack, and the bananas.

That was when I found my mindfulness again. This was ridiculous, and really needless and petty. I realized I was not actually angry at the stand, nor the pods, not even those damn bananas. I realized that what I was angry at was my feeling of helplessness.

Which obviously right now comes from something else, you all know what.

I once again connected with a profound truth. In the moment, I often feel fear, pain, and anger... yes, even at bananas.

When I turned to face that fear and anger it didn’t go away, it changed shape to fit context. I could laugh at myself with gentle compassion as I realized the true source of my discomfort. I resolved once again to allow that sometimes I’m going to be scared, sometimes I’m going to hurt, sometimes I’m going to be angry.

Not so much that I’m permitted to be these things, to feel them but rather to fully embrace the truth that I have no choice otherwise, in that moment. Furthermore, that moment, like every moment, ends.

And then I was calm. 

So I did a few things. First, I finished loading the pods back in the stand. At the same time I smiled, laughed a little at how silly I can be. I realized that this whole lamentable affair was a shareable moment. So I took a couple of pictures, made them into the fancy photo you see below. And decided to write this post.

#gratitudeNow: Error Recovery

Recently, I’ve been fixing mistakes.

And by recently, I mean about the past two months.

First there was a financial mistake I made, which involved taxes. Thankfully I saw it way ahead of taxes being due and was able to tighten my belt and save for what I would owe.

Then there was another mistake I had made, farther back, thinking that someone very precious to me didn’t feel the same way about me anymore, and allowing our relationship to slowly wither. In the past week or so I found out I was quite wrong about that, and that they thought I was the one who didn’t want anything to do with them.

I assured them that was very not the case, and pandemic non withstanding, we have been reconnecting, albeit at a safe social distance of texts and phone calls and such.

Today, I paid that tax bill. And while it was bad, it worked out better than I was anticipating. With the pandemic going on I didn’t have to pay it today I could have let it go for a bit.

But I didn’t want to. It felt good to own my error and make it right. I’ve been having similar thoughts about my reconnection I mentioned above.

I think I reached a new milestone in maturity and self-love today. I accept that I’m an imperfect person, who learns, in part, by making mistakes and then correcting them.

That feels damn good. I’m glad I have the good sense to discover errors and then adjust to do the best I can to fix them.

I’m sometimes a perfectionist and often success driven. And in the past that’s led me to really punish myself for long past bad choices.

But that serves no one. And today that truth is just a bit more real to me.

#gratitudeNow: Don't mind beginning

There’s a zen buddhist concept called shoshin, “beginner’s mind.” It’s the idea of approaching anything you do as if you were a beginner. You throw away your pre-conceived notions about how things should be, or even are, and look with fresh eyes on what you’re doing.

I try really hard to practice shoshin, in many things I do.

Lately, with the events of the coronavirus pandemic, it’s become even more important. My day job is letting me, honestly making me, work remotely full time now. I’m super grateful for that. I know lots of people aren’t so fortunate.

Even with that good fortune, I have been wigging out some. It’s pretty easy to get flustered, and then feel a sense of foreboding, dread, and despair at what’s going on. The latest I heard from the CDC is that they recommend not being in any groups larger than 10 people. And that that recommendation and the social distancing isolation we’re practicing is going to be in effect for at least the next two months. I saw a press conference yesterday saying that it’s likely to go far longer than that, into the late summer.

I hear this stuff, and I feel this awful specter of loss. “It’s bad, and it’s going to get worse,” that voice says to me. Not a great feeling.

But then I remember my practice, and it’s helpful. I resolve to be present for how things are. So, I’ve been working remotely and doing a good job of it. I’ve had lots of quality time to spend with Missy as she recovers from a recent surgery. I’m determined to use the time to do some things that need doing, and to enjoy the parts that are enjoyable.

Every day, I reboot myself, emotionally, determined to not get swept up in despair. Yes, this is a hard time for the world, and for us all. It’s a conscious practice to sweep the table clean, and start over like this.

It’s definitely helping me.

#gratitudeNow: Being there for her

I frequently say that my wife Missy is the yin to my yang, the jelly to my peanut butter. We go together like peas and carrots.

This manifests in a number of ways. She’s my adventure buddy. We travel interesting places, dig into nerdy interests together, and love long car trips.

And she’s a constant cheerleader for me, in the many things I do.

All of that is wonderful.

But there’s another aspect to this that’s super important too. I get to be there for her. I’m one of the two people she trusts the most in the world. Today she had some surgery (she’s fine, don’t worry!) and I’ve spent the day doing that husbandly support crew thing for her.

I bundled her into the car, and drove her over. I sat with her sister (that would be the other person she trusts most in the world) in the waiting room. After she got into recovery we went back to see her.

When we first walked back into the recovery room and she saw us, she smiled widely. I knew her surgery was going to go well, her doctor is great, the statistics on this sort of stuff are known. Didn’t matter. That smile warmed me head to toe like a hot cocoa after hours of shoveling snow.

I’m still with her now, in her hospital room, doing the many and varied little comfort chores that are making her stay a bit more human. We took a walk around the unit a bit ago. She’s tapping away on her cell phone as I sit and write this. And there’s nowhere else I’d rather be, and nothing else I’d rather be doing. Seeing her safe and cared for, helping to make it so, is so joyful to me.

I’m grateful I get to be there as her adventure buddy even for the tough adventures.

#gratitudeNow: Trafficking in Friends … and magic.

So the other day my friend Matti messaged me. He had a whole lot of good news to share. As you can see we made our plans to catch up during our commutes.

And yesterday, we did. It was glorious. I adore Matti, he’s a funny, sweet, caring and passionate guy.

He shared his good news, and I shared some of my own and it was just great.

The 75 minute of my commute just flew by, and as I pulled up into my driveway I found myself actually lamenting the end of the trip.

Which got me thinking.

I have a few pictures which I carry on my phone, a picture, and look at just about daily.

This one in particular is relevant.

A Dalai Lama quote, atop a picture of the earth. “Look at situations from all angles, and you will become more open.”

This speaks to one of the more hard to grasp aspects of mindful practice. When I’m being mindful, in and with the moment, I’m calm yet also at attention. Which means I can see possibilities in circumstances. I can transform a long commute into an opportunity to connect. I can put aside frustration with traffic and embrace time well spent.

I recognize this feeling. I’ve had it when running, when writing code, when cooking. It’s that feeling of being on, or in the zone. It’s being attentive without being anxious, while simultaneously being calm without being passive.

It’s magical.

I often make this kind of dark joke about how once you commence a mindful practice you don’t have to do it forever… just until you’re dead. Haha, lifelong obligation until demise Hoo, funny stuff.

But today I’m seeing something else. That feeling when I witness myself embracing the practice without judgment, and also without undue celebration, is powerful.

“Ah,” I say to myself, subconsciously, “once again, I begin my practice anew.”

That is not a burden. It is one of my life’s greatest joys.