So I have loved science fiction since I was a kid.​

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 Back when I was about 12, maybe 14 I first read this amazing story, Return from the Stars by Stanislaw Lem.  In the story, Hal Bregg, a cosmonaut returns to Earth after a 10 year mission to space, to a distant star called Formalhaut.  But due to relativity, 10 years in space is much, much longer on Earth.

Returning to Earth isn't easy on Bregg.  The world has evolved in vast, strange ways that he struggles to comprehend, to adapt to, in order to be able to live happily. 

i won't tell you how the world of the book has changed, part of the joy in reading the story is experiencing the bewilderment and delight along with the main character.  

I am going to make one exception though.  There's something incredibly prescient in the book.  It's the description in chapter three of a bookshop. 

 I spent the afternoon in a bookstore. There were no books in it. None had been printed for nearly half a century. And how I had looked forward to them, after the microfilms that made up the library of the Prometheus!

No such luck.

No longer was it possible to browse among shelves, to weigh volumes in the hand, to feel their heft the promise of ponderous reading. The bookstore resembled, instead, an electronic laboratory. The books were crystal: with recorded contents. They could be read with the aid of an opton, which was similar to a book but had only one page between the covers. At a touch, successive pages of the text appeared on it. But optons were little used, the sales-robot told me.

The public preferred lectons—lectons read out loud, they could be set to any voice, tempo, and modulation. Only scientific publications having a very limited distribution were still printed, on a plastic imitation paper. Thus all my purchases fitted into one pocket though there must have been almost three hundred titles. A handful of crystal com—my books. I selected a number of works on history and sociology, a few on statistics and demography, and what the girl from Adapt had recommended on psychology.

A couple of the larger mathematical textbooks—larger, of course, in the sense of their content not of their physical size. The robot that served me was itself an encyclopedia, in that—as it told me—it was linked directly, through electronic catalogues, to templates of every book on Earth. As a rule, a bookstore had only single “copies” of books, and when someone needed a particular book, the content of the work was recorded in a crystal.

I read that on my opton, I mean my iPad as I sat this morning waiting for my car to be repaired at a mechanic.  It was weirdly meta.  

I knew it was coming. I have read this book before.  The last time was a dog eared paperback book I bought in the only English bookstore I could find in Cannes, France.  At the time I was living overseas with my family for the summer, on holiday, and I was absolutely   desperate  for books.  I went to that bookstore several times, and bought a ton of books. I remember thinking at the time how amazing it would be to have such a device, and be able to read and listen to books at my leisure.

And now, it's true.  

Posted
AuthorMako Allen
CategoriesgratitudeNow

So this morning, I'm talking with my girlfriend Alissa...

Which is something we do just about every morning.  We were catching up on the past couple of days, and talking about our today.  She was having a plumber over, to fix her kitchen sink.

Which is when something small, that's something really big actually happened.

My brain, like some oddball cotton candy machine, dredged the big churning plastic paddles (go with my here, it's a complex food metaphor) through the pink sugary goo that is my long-term memory.

There was a noise on her end of the call, a chip clip clacking together.  It sounded kind of like a knock at the door.  To which I quipped some joke about how "It's the plumber, he's here to fix the sink."

She said, "um, what?"  And I couldn't quite honestly tell her why I said it.  Maybe it was some game or joke I played as a kid?  So I sat and concentrated on it real hard.  And then I looked it up on Google.

And I found this:

It's a little cartoon short, made in 1971, from a children's program called The Electric Company.  1971 happens to also be the year something else was made: me.  TEC was a sort of companion program, or maybe competition for Sesame Street.  I absolutely loved it when I was a kid.  (Especially because they had little short features with Spider-man, like this one.)

Anyhow, this short used to absolutely destroy me when I was little.  I thought it was one of the funniest things I ever saw.  Guess what?  Still pretty darn funny.

Why am I so grateful for this?  Because it's yet another profound insight about mindfulness.  Forty-six years ago this little video came out on television, and I did, at a hospital.  Then maybe five years later I saw it, and loved it.  And then forty-one years after that, I'm loving it all over again.

I think it's a profound commentary on loss, and our own perspective.  Things happen, they become a part of our life, our self, and then they get packed away, tamped down into our memory and our character by all the subsequent stuff that comes after.  

Every so often one of these returning guest stars pops up and is front and center again.  It's kind of amazing.  We don't really lose anything, do we?

 

 

 

Posted
AuthorMako Allen
CategoriesgratitudeNow
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A big part of my practice of meditation and contemplation has to do with self-knowledge.  

I journal a lot.  Well, you know.  You're reading it after all.  For a long time now I've been examining who I am, what matters to me.

I realized something big today.  I've been missing a key component of the question "who am I?"  In its short form it's an unanswerable question, really.  You can point to aspects of yourself, sure.  But you can't really speak in totality to who you are.  It's like describing a whole house by the shape of the doorknob to the front door.

The part that I've been omitting is the words "right now", as in "Who am I right now?"   

Now that is more knowable.  And it's also subject to change.  About 5 years ago I recorded a video blog to myself (not on here, privately) about my desires in life.  I wanted to stop doing technical work altogether, and go back to school to become a licensed professional counselor, a form of therapist. 

In the same video I talk about my relationships, what's important to me, what was motivating me. 

When I watched it recently, I thought, "Who the heck even was that guy?" 

I can remember recording it.  I can remember some of those feelings.  I watch myself, and see the conviction in my eyes, hear it in my voice. 

And the vast majority of what I spoke about with such fervor is no longer true.  I'm barely that person at all anymore.  Many of the things I thought I wanted, and all of the relationships I had at the time have since changed.  Some of my goals I outright have moved on from.  Some of my relationships from back then have ended.  Other goals and relationships have evolved.  And there's all sorts of new goals and people in my life, now.

It's almost dizzying how different everything is. 

One thing that has stayed a constant is that who I am now is informed by everything that's come before.  So, there was no waste in any of it, and the fact that I pivoted on some pretty major things isn't a bad thing - it's growth. 

A really enormous part of who I am now has to do with a set of attitudes I have, around the idea of pursuit, of chasing.  It's something I've been contemplating for the better part of the last two years.

I absolutely do chase goals.  I absolutely don't chase people.

What I mean by that is this: in terms of life changes that I initiate, things like career goals, new skills, changes in my health, exercise, financial well-being, I run towards those things, full-tilt boogie.  If it is something scary, even better.  BRING IT. 

But in terms of people, I do exactly the opposite.  I'm moving forward, towards things, at a breakneck pace.  It's a wild ride, and one I'm happy to share with those who are going in the same directions, or at least compatible ones.  But for those who don't feel it, and aren't interested in sharing the trip, I'm okay with moving on.  I have friends who I was thick as thieves with, who I haven't talked to in years.  I have relationships that were vibrant, which have ended.  I think that's natural.

Don't mistake me though.  I'm not cavalier about it.  It's often bittersweet to me when these changes happen.  One of the more painful ones recently is my stepson.  We're quite estranged.  He's just moving in directions that make how he lives and how I live incompatible.  I'm sad about it sometimes, but most days I'm at peace.

I recognize that the person I am today isn't the same person I was yesterday, by a little degree.  Shift that lens out from days to months to years, and that delta gets even bigger.  And that's true for other people, too.

Two particular items from my long study of Taoism popped out at me today that are about just this relationship between chasing goals and people. 

One is a zen story, by Chuang-tze, called "The Happiness of Fish."  The super-short version of it goes like this:

A sage and his friend stood on a bridge overlooking a river, watching fish leaping from the water into the air.  The sage said, "That right there, that's the happiness of fish."  His friend chided him for it.  "How can you, who are not a fish, know the happiness of one by this river?"  He in turn gently chided his friend, "How are you, who are not me, know that I don't know it?"

As the friend scratched his head, the sage added, "Furthermore, you already said how I know it, I know it here, by the river." 

How do I know what makes me happy?  I don't know what always makes me happy.  I know what I'm after right now.  That's why it's okay to chase things and goals.  If what you want changes, you chase something else.

The other thing from my studies that jumped out at me is a particular verse from the Tao te Ching.  This one: 

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Knowing others is intelligence;
knowing yourself is true wisdom.
Mastering others is strength;
mastering yourself is true power.

If you realize that you have enough,
you are truly rich.
If you stay in the center
and embrace death with your whole heart,

you will endure forever.

I feel like I have unlocked a whole new understanding of this verse today.  Yes, I can learn all sorts of things about other people.  But in the end, they, like myself, are always subject to change.  There's no permanence in people.  I can learn about them, spend time with them, enjoy their company.  But I can't stop their their changing, nor my own changing.  

That's why it's so important to be mindful about who, what, where, and when I am.  It's why I need to be present for my connections with others, because they are fleeting.  People grow, and change.  It's why it matters so much to be present for them now, knowing that our time together isn't permanent.  Not because people are bad.  We're all just so very fluid.  

Part of what makes love and connection so great, so beautiful is that it's fleeting.  

I never got that "embrace death with your whole heart" thing before.   But I see it now.  It's not morose or maudlin.  It's profound.

 

So for years  I didn't get the whole Tumblr thing. Sure, I'd visit particular Tumblr blogs I liked, and enjoy them, but I didn't see why anyone would want an account, would reblog things, leave notes, etc.  It all seemed sort of vapid to me.  

But about a year ago, I started my own, primarily as a way of sharing erotic images I like with my girlfriend Alissa.

One thing about us, we have what's largely a long-distance relationship. She's in the midwest, and I'm on the east coast.  We deal with it though. I talk to her every day, and we stay connected-at-a-distance using every available resource we have.  We try to see one another as often as we possibly can.

One of those ways is by sharing erotic things we enjoy with one another.  We started doing that using an application called Flipboard.  We each had this sort of private magazine we would bookmark images into, that we could peruse and then like with a little heart, to show something really spoke to us.

After some updates, Flipboard got a whole lot more unfriendly to custom content, especially of an erotic nature.  It felt like we were struggling to share stuff, and asking for trouble.  So I ditched it for Tumblr.

The other day I was laying in bed, reading the Tumblrs, like you do, when I stumbled across a series of images that appealed to me.

One of them were dirty stuff, sure.  (It was a manga about some gentle femdom, where a woman held a man's head in her lap, and he could smell her scent.  Yummy.)   But some were not.  There was this one, a cartoon of naked men of all shapes and sizes, that said "Men need body positivity too", and another, a little grid of pink squares with white writing in them, that said, "ALL.  OF THIS.  IS.  TEMPORARY."

I reblogged them, along with a few others.  I went back and had a look at my tumblr, at the various themes of eroticism in it, and the various exceptions.  And it struck me, all at once, that this was a way for me to know myself.  

I got to see previous things which had so appealed to something in me, that they were worth curating, and sharing.

I think it's kind of hard to know yourself.  It takes time and effort.

Then it also struck me, that what made Tumblr yet more awesome was that it was an opt-in way for others to know me too, and for me to know them.

What I mean is - it's a simple, voluntary way for me to look at stuff important to you, and vice-versa.  It respects consent, and allows you to state with vigor and enthusiasm how you feel about something.

How cool.  

What a great way to learn more about myself, and share it.  What a great way for me to learn more about other folks, that they want me to know.

 

 

Posted
AuthorMako Allen
CategoriesgratitudeNow

So, recently there's this particular someone I've found myself saying no to a lot.  

"No, you can't borrow my shark shaped hyper spanner."  

"No, we're not cleaning the EPS conduits."

"No, you cannot take an away team down to the planet's surface."

(I've also, consequently, been watching a lot of Star Trek: Enterprise, which I really enjoy, but that's a whole separate topic.)

Often when this particular ensign (go with me here, Star Trek metaphor) kept coming to me, I got the distinct impression that they saw me as the Captain of the ship, or maybe ship's counselor.  Some sort of senior officer, anyhow.

But I'm just a crewman, like anyone else.  Sure, I put together the shark dive on the holodeck, sure I'm willing to take a few minutes out of my duty shift to tell people an awesome zen story in between servicing warp coils, sure I led that infamous game of fizbin in the mess hall that went on for 72 hours straight.  Yes, yes, yes.

(Are you getting that I really like Star Trek here?  Because I really do.)

But I'm still just one guy on the ship.  Not THE guy.  And sometimes I need my sleep.  Or to catchup on my personal log.  (How the heck do star dates even work?)  I'm just a person.  

Still, saying no to Ensign Needhelp over and over was starting to feel really bad to me.  

Here's an infamous 15 minute long compilation of Security Chief Worf on Star Trek: The Next Generation getting told no, getting shut down, over and over in various ways.

When I first saw this thing, years ago, it made me howl with laughter.  Lately I find I can watch about 5 minutes of it before I have to tap out.  Go on, give it a try.  Or feel free to tell me no.

I've been realizing something important, working on it for a bit, about that No I keep giving the ensign.

The no for them isn't about them.  It's the complement to a yes for me.

A who-what now?

A complement.  A thing which of necessity is required for balance and wholeness.  Like the way a coin has a heads side and a tails side.  You can't have one without the other.  "Oh but head and tails are opposites, mako?", you might say.

Sort of.  But also complements.  When I say no to something, I'm saying yes to something else.

So, everybody knows the yin-yang symbol, the taijitu, or "supreme ultimate."  Big swirly circle, two sides, two dots, Yin and Yang.  The reason the dots are there, the reason the sides are swirls is that they contain one another, extend one another, and define one another.

Kinda like this:

A gorgeous taijitu, showing a sunny day, with a green flowering tree by an ocean, with a hot sun in the sky, next to a barren tree, by a windswept snow covered hill top, with a wan little winter sun in a cold sky.

A gorgeous taijitu, showing a sunny day, with a green flowering tree by an ocean, with a hot sun in the sky, next to a barren tree, by a windswept snow covered hill top, with a wan little winter sun in a cold sky.

This is much more what I'm going for.  During the whole year there's not one instant where you're not heading toward midsummer and away from midwinter, or just the opposite.  Every minute, of every day, you come closer and closer to that pivot point.  

Just in the same way, when you say no to things you don't have the energy, time, interest, or whatever-is-required-to-do-it for, you're also saying yes to other things.  Everyone is.  All the time.

It's beautiful.

Today I explained some part of this to that particular ensign, and made sure I was clear because I wanted to be understood.

It felt good.