#gratitudeNow: Don't mind beginning

There’s a zen buddhist concept called shoshin, “beginner’s mind.” It’s the idea of approaching anything you do as if you were a beginner. You throw away your pre-conceived notions about how things should be, or even are, and look with fresh eyes on what you’re doing.

I try really hard to practice shoshin, in many things I do.

Lately, with the events of the coronavirus pandemic, it’s become even more important. My day job is letting me, honestly making me, work remotely full time now. I’m super grateful for that. I know lots of people aren’t so fortunate.

Even with that good fortune, I have been wigging out some. It’s pretty easy to get flustered, and then feel a sense of foreboding, dread, and despair at what’s going on. The latest I heard from the CDC is that they recommend not being in any groups larger than 10 people. And that that recommendation and the social distancing isolation we’re practicing is going to be in effect for at least the next two months. I saw a press conference yesterday saying that it’s likely to go far longer than that, into the late summer.

I hear this stuff, and I feel this awful specter of loss. “It’s bad, and it’s going to get worse,” that voice says to me. Not a great feeling.

But then I remember my practice, and it’s helpful. I resolve to be present for how things are. So, I’ve been working remotely and doing a good job of it. I’ve had lots of quality time to spend with Missy as she recovers from a recent surgery. I’m determined to use the time to do some things that need doing, and to enjoy the parts that are enjoyable.

Every day, I reboot myself, emotionally, determined to not get swept up in despair. Yes, this is a hard time for the world, and for us all. It’s a conscious practice to sweep the table clean, and start over like this.

It’s definitely helping me.

#gratitudeNow: Being there for her

I frequently say that my wife Missy is the yin to my yang, the jelly to my peanut butter. We go together like peas and carrots.

This manifests in a number of ways. She’s my adventure buddy. We travel interesting places, dig into nerdy interests together, and love long car trips.

And she’s a constant cheerleader for me, in the many things I do.

All of that is wonderful.

But there’s another aspect to this that’s super important too. I get to be there for her. I’m one of the two people she trusts the most in the world. Today she had some surgery (she’s fine, don’t worry!) and I’ve spent the day doing that husbandly support crew thing for her.

I bundled her into the car, and drove her over. I sat with her sister (that would be the other person she trusts most in the world) in the waiting room. After she got into recovery we went back to see her.

When we first walked back into the recovery room and she saw us, she smiled widely. I knew her surgery was going to go well, her doctor is great, the statistics on this sort of stuff are known. Didn’t matter. That smile warmed me head to toe like a hot cocoa after hours of shoveling snow.

I’m still with her now, in her hospital room, doing the many and varied little comfort chores that are making her stay a bit more human. We took a walk around the unit a bit ago. She’s tapping away on her cell phone as I sit and write this. And there’s nowhere else I’d rather be, and nothing else I’d rather be doing. Seeing her safe and cared for, helping to make it so, is so joyful to me.

I’m grateful I get to be there as her adventure buddy even for the tough adventures.

#gratitudeNow: Someone to overwatch me

There’s this thing that C. S. Lewis said, about how when he grew up he put aside childish things, including the worry over enjoying things which are childish. I find that really applies to me. I’m a busy, busy guy. I have my side business, my writing, my demanding day job, the podcast, and of course my relationships because I’m poly.

In the past, I’ve lamented that sitting on the couch and playing video games is garbage time, and wasteful. But after sitting and thinking about it, it really isn’t.

Overwatch is a heck of a lot of fun. It’s a social outlet too. I have some very nice friends through the game whom I enjoy playing with. The nature of the game is inherently collaborative. It’s about as close as I’m ever going to get to being on a sports team.

Over the several years I’ve been playing it, I’ve really grown my skill at it too. I know that staying grouped up is better than playing alone. I know that the healers/support should stick with the tank, while the DPS (damage per second) folks flank around. I know how to use the environment to enhance my own play style.

And, most importantly of all, I know that engaging in something I enjoy, in moderation and balance is emotionally good for me.

It’s taken me ages to figure all this stuff out.

#gratitudeNow: I like someone

Spoiler alert:  it’s me. 

I was walking to lunch just now. This morning I had a meeting with my boss, to do my review. It went pretty well. 

I got into a talk with him about what matters to me, technically and professionally. That in turn got me thinking about who I am in the rest of my life. 

A huge portion of who and what I am as a person is hinged upon exercising my creativity. Whether it’s writing code in my day job, writing fiction, creating podcasts, writing code for my business, I’m constantly making something from nothing. 

Plus, a big part of my creative urge has to do with making the world a better place for those around me.  I like problem solving, like providing support, solace, and comfort to others. Kindness is my default. 

I see myself as one drop in a limitless ocean, which contains everyone and everything. I enjoy the effort to  make that ocean a better place. 

I’m grateful to be happy with who I am.  

#gratitudeNow: A river runs through it

I’ve been up since 5.  

I cuddled Missy, considered getting out of bed, decided against it, read Facebook, read some spanking erotica, considered again, stayed in bed again, got a text from my friend and fellow writer Zorro Daddy, traded thoughts on illustrated erotica, and finally decided to get up.

That’s a whole lot of stuff in a small amount of time.  A thought about Andrea struck me as I realized that.  The busyness of my life is carrying me along, like the swift current of a river.

 I cannot help but be caught in that current. The river has an origin that I can’t even remember. And it’s moving along towards the sea. Eventually, its water will mingle with and become more an indistinguishable part of a much larger body of water. 

Andrea, she’s like this sparkly pink fish, that jumped around a lot, made these big splashes, really dominated a good long leg of my river.   

But now she’s sped off to the sea.  Where I too, am headed, some day.  As much as I don’t want to move away from that part of the river, it’s not really possible.  I’m being swept along.

 It’s not a bad thing.  This river is filled with lovely experiences, wonderful people.  Yet still there’s this tendency in me to struggle, to try to remain where I was, to clutch at the past like a rock. 

But as Andrea said, that’s not what you do. You just keep swimming.

She’s right too. I realized when you swim along with the river, when you don’t fight it... that’s how you stay current.